Hi, all. Someone recently asked me for advice about what to say when you’re asked for your pronouns—especially in a group setting. Her initial thought was “I don’t believe in gender identity”—which I have in fact said before, but which immediately changes the vibe.
The last time I was asked—at a needle-felting class!—I and a few others just said our names and didn’t say our pronouns, which is always an option. (I’d say 80% of the class announced theirs, and there was only one they/them.) I asked my kid, whose first response was: Why not just say the pronouns? Her generation is so used to this ritual, they barely register it.
I explained the objections and we talked about the silliness of the belief that the verbalization of a pronoun is what makes someone male or female, or neither, and what happens when that belief is institutionalized and compelled. After that, she suggested the response: “I am female.” “They still won’t know what to call you,” she admitted. Or, she said, say “It/its” or “xi/xir,” to test the mandate. I wish I had the nerve for that.
So, I put it to you. What’s the best way to respond to this question?
I say that giving pronouns, like it or not, is a political act. And I need to remain removed from such acts. And just as I respect other people's pronouns and their right to say their pronouns, I would ask that people respect my right not to say mine. I do not appreciate compelled speech. Also, I have not been mistaken as female since my voice finished lowering when I was 16 years old and people stopped thinking I was my mom when I answered the phone. No one needs to know my pronouns; they are universally self evident, in particular since there are no women named Ben. As for saying pronouns out of solidarity, there are plenty of people who have that covered. They do not also need me to participate.
Thanks, I agree. My response is whether my ex husband, who suddenly identified as female when our children were 5 and 8, is entitled to name himself as mother and put my name in the "nanny line" at the bottom of the school form. Because that is what he did. I don't participate in groups requiring pronouns. But I'm retired and live an almost hermetic life, outside of my research on trans widows (a steady 1/3 of us were sexually assaulted or physically abused by crossdressing husband, with almost 70 women's stories--the only data of this sort in the world) and the traditional chorus I sing with. It turns out, those who mess with their singing voice with hormones or try to sing in the wrong sex range aren't able to keep it up. I'm safe there. Thanks God.
I was in a theatrical production 2 years ago and everyone had to say their pronouns when they introduced themselves. I was the very last to go and I just conveniently forgot. Thankfully, no one noticed.
Those of us who are pretending to forget to declare our pronouns: could that be more effective than declaring why we’re not declaring or answering with a joke?
Going on the offensive might chill the air, put others off.
But not going along might embolden others to just not go along with the ritual too. We’re modeling noncompliance without openly fighting.
I was on an LGBTQ health journalist panel in February 2023 (the last time anyone would invite me to such a thing), and the VERY FIRST question the moderator asked was why I hadn't put my pronouns in my bio in the program. I didn't have an answer then, so I just quietly said I didn't wish to discuss it and hoped people would just forget about it.
Yes, Ben, it absolutely is a political act, and so is using the "preferred pronouns" of men who falsely claim to be women (such as B.Wu), and of women who falsely claim to be men (such as B.Angel), as you do.
And, Ben, yet another political act is permanently banning a commenter on your substack who points this out, as you did to me.
Your reason is that you cannot tolerate anyone who disagrees with you. You support men like B.Wu having access to women's spaces, and you can't stand anyone who calls you out on that.
Thank you for trying to be kind, however I've noticed that modelling for others that we need to announce our gender identity perpetuates trans identity social contagion.
I play Ultimate Frisbee in a league that is woke as it gets, and at the beginning of a new season it's customary for everyone to tell the team their name and pronouns. I just skip the pronoun part and, so far, that has worked. If anyone insists, I plan to say, "Use whatever pronouns seem natural to you."
That could wind up with someone calling me "she/her", but as I am obviously male that's likely to make the someone look foolish. In any case, gay men have been jokingly calling each other "Mary" since time immemorial, so I don't care.
Oh, wait! I might have a better answer than a shrug.
I read a book last year about Polari, which was that UK slang that was used by gay people, among others. Anyway, in Polari, it was common to switch the sex of the person you were talking about, so instead of saying "him" you'd say "her", and the person you were talking to would just know you had done that. If anyone were listening, they'd assume you were talking about a woman, which was safer for gay men back in the 30s and 40s.
So if I were referring to Rob, I might say, "Roberta", and I'll warrant "Mary" saw similar usage.
(Polari was crazy to read about; those who weren't familiar with it would have zero idea what the speakers were saying.)
Good question! I'm not sure, but if one of us is getting cranky or something, someone else will say, "Calm down Mary." You could say any other female name...my personal favorite is Loretta.
For myself, this little custom means two things. First, it's reclaiming a term of derision that, as MarkS states, was used against us. Second, I think it's a way of poking fun at hyper-masculinity, and not taking oneself too seriously. I am sure others have a different take, but that's mine.
"Sensitve Note: When referring to a gay man, the term Mary can be contemptuous. However, even in direct address, it is more often used for humorous effect, without intent to offend. In fact, Mary is a term of address sometimes adopted by gay people themselves."
Hmmm . . . If you're going 'round a circle, taking turns introducing yourself, then simply provide your name and leave it at that. It may be that no one will have the nerve to press you individually for the pronouns. But if it turns out that there are one or two nervy characters who are particularly evangelical about their gender religion and are willing to enforce universal participation in its rituals or they'll try to turn the event into a struggle session, I can only tell you how I hope I would respond if put on the spot in such a setting . . . I would say: "I'm not Catholic, so I don't pray over a rosary. I'm not Jewish, so I never celebrated my Bat Mitzvah. I'm not Baptist, so I am not in the habit of calling non-siblings "Brother" or "Sister." And I do not believe that a "sexed soul" is a thing; so let's just agree that you all may simply rely on my obvious biological sex to determine which pronoun you prefer to use for me?" If the room gets chilly after saying that, I'd probably find some other group of people to hang out with . . . life's too short to waste your leisure time with idiots, particularly ones too cowardly to prevent a social bully from requiring some initiation rite that nudges all into ideological conformity.
I would want to say "what?" If they repeated the question, I would want to say "I don't understand." If they actually then tried to explain, I would respond with "That makes no sense to me, but you can refer to me however you like. My name is ..."
If you don't want to force them to explain (personally I think they should have to, but I know that can also change the vibe), then I would simply respond with "You can refer to me however you like. My name is ..." If they are bothered by that neutral statement, I don't know what to tell you.
I recently auditioned for a play, and it was a very nice group of people watching the audition, and they each stood up one by one, before my monologue, (there were about three or four of them) and as they introduced themselves, they also announced their pronouns.
I shook each hand and smiled and said: Hi, I’m Jody.
I just say my name. Funny story: i'm in a group that had a visitor that prompted the group leader for the first time to ask for name and pronoun. The second person in the rotation had never heard of this and paused for thought and said, "We, I think I like We." two people later another person paused and then she said, "I agree with him, I like we."
Maybe I’d say, “any” and if asked, I could say I’m comfortable either way, with any pronouns you organically and spontaneously use for me, because either way, I’m a female/woman.
When asking for pronouns was less common, I would act confused and say “um I’m female?” Like “duhh, why are you asking this?” Now that I can’t credibly pretend to be surprised by the ritual, I confidently ignore it unless it’s a required part of an electronic form (which it sadly is, all the time). I’d just say my name. If they asked “and your pronouns?” I think I’d pause as if I’m carefully considering my choices and then say “she/her/hers” but keep a slightly worried look on my face as if I might have been trying to get up the courage to say “he/him”. Idk. It would be funny to me to feel like I fucked with the ritual. In reality no one has ever called me out on just not stating pronouns or putting them on a name tag.
I just use my name. When I was a child, I was in a situation where we all had to sing "Kumbaya" in a circle. I refused to do that as well. Guess im not a joiner! lol
I would say "You may call me Carol, or Ms. Tavris, or Dr. Tavris."
In writing emails to people I don't know, I want to know what forms of address they prefer, not their pronouns. Especially in corresponding with people who speak languages I don't know -- Hungarian, say, or Korean.
True, but in that situation (where the name is foreign and the sex of the person not obvious from the name) it can be helpful to find out if the person is male or female in case you do at some point have to refer to them in the third person.
I live in Woke City, USA and work in community programs. I was at a group symposium with a lot of Black Leaders and several gave their pronouns as We/Us. I am not sure if they were making another political statement about solidarity with community vs. individualistic identities but I liked it. Anyway, that was the first and last time I used pronouns. Not sure what I would say if ever asked specifically what my pronouns are. No one has done that yet. Maybe, "You can call me [my name] or say you when looking in my direction."
A couple years ago I tried “I don’t share pronouns on principle”. My partner pointed out that that could be interpreted as “I want my pronouns to remain private”. Lately I’ve just omitted the pronouns and given only my name.
Has anyone seen the post about someone’s elderly relative encountering pronoun-ritual questions on a medical form and they thought it was part of a quick dementia screening? (:
In the name of playing a sucker to educate a conformist try acting like you have no idea what they are requesting. The asker’s attempt to elucidate will likely toss them into an unintentional comedy skit and if the vibe starts to deteriorate just say ‘please call me <first name>’.
It's very similar to the behavior of astrology-believers (ones who REALLY believe it). They’ll often ask (politely) personal info like D.O.B. and if you obfuscate a bit their politeness either turns to tetchiness or they fly away to another mind.
I've never been asked(!), but if I ever am, here are a couple of responses that I've thought up. Key ingredient is being lighthearted/humorous about it.
"Oh, whatever you like, doesn't matter to me"
"Well today they're his/royal/majesty". If met with confusion (likely!): "So if for example you wanted to tell somebody that I'm in my office, you would say 'His is in majesty office'. And please don't get it wrong, I don't want to be misgendered!"
A 13 yo I know who has a developmental disorder just announced he won't use pronouns. He said that he is afraid that people won't use his name and will call him He or Him when talking to him. Its valid.
I say I am a pronoun agnostic/avoider because I am still working out how I feel and I appreciate arguments both for and against preferred pronoun usage from a number of progressives and feminists I respect. While I understand that preferred pronoun usage has become a proxy for belief in gender ideology for some people, other non-believers point out that not every context requires we declare our political/belief positions.
On the flip side, agreeing to use female pronouns for a man in womanface (such as B.Wu) is a deeply misogynistic act. Doing so insults and demeans every woman on the planet.
an interesting video I saw by a linguist discussed how it is both easier than you think and harder than you think to switch to someone's preferred pronouns (from a cognitive perspective) BUT he found that asking someone's pronouns is forced speech and amounts to public "outing" as--even if you are a gender ideologue with good intentions--the person may be working through shit, as they say, and not ready to make that public
I would probably just say my name and ignore the pronouns question unless I was pushed to other. If pushed I would say that I don't believe in gender ideology or a more dismissive "oh, I just don't do this"
I was asked the pronoun question last year for an upcoming book. I will be mentioned with 99 other people, all of us asked our pronouns to be listed just under our name. I wrote ‘decline to state’. I am curious but I suspect I will be the 1% who didn’t fall in line, I hope there are more. It might make me stick out like a sore thumb but it just seemed irrelevant and forced upon me to make some political point. There’s a pic, a name … who cares how I ‘identify’. If they’re bothered by the lack of info, that’s on them.
"oh--" (as if startled) "any pronoun is fine!" Let them figure it out... BUT, that's only what I wish I'd do! So far, I've always been able to introduce myself and skip saying the pronouns.
I say watch Behind the Looking Glass, which I'm waiting for that podcast to even mention, considering filmmaker Vaishnavi Sundar did a tour with it in Australia. On Thurs, April 17 at 1 pm EST, the story of Yuri will be up on Lime Soda Films channel, live streamed, wtih many of us trans widows in the chat, along with Vaishnavi. Yuri was one of the 1/3 of trans widows who was raped by her female identifying husband. That's my response. Here's a link to BTLG:
I say that giving pronouns, like it or not, is a political act. And I need to remain removed from such acts. And just as I respect other people's pronouns and their right to say their pronouns, I would ask that people respect my right not to say mine. I do not appreciate compelled speech. Also, I have not been mistaken as female since my voice finished lowering when I was 16 years old and people stopped thinking I was my mom when I answered the phone. No one needs to know my pronouns; they are universally self evident, in particular since there are no women named Ben. As for saying pronouns out of solidarity, there are plenty of people who have that covered. They do not also need me to participate.
I still think you're your mom when you answer the phone...
"Sally??" they would always say. I was tempted to just say yes and then gain access to all her secrets.
Wrong pronouns! Second "you're" should be "your".
Fixed!
Thanks, I agree. My response is whether my ex husband, who suddenly identified as female when our children were 5 and 8, is entitled to name himself as mother and put my name in the "nanny line" at the bottom of the school form. Because that is what he did. I don't participate in groups requiring pronouns. But I'm retired and live an almost hermetic life, outside of my research on trans widows (a steady 1/3 of us were sexually assaulted or physically abused by crossdressing husband, with almost 70 women's stories--the only data of this sort in the world) and the traditional chorus I sing with. It turns out, those who mess with their singing voice with hormones or try to sing in the wrong sex range aren't able to keep it up. I'm safe there. Thanks God.
I have just ignored the request in a group where we’re introducing ourselves. No one followed up with “Well what are your pronouns?”
I have never been asked directly by someone—maybe because it’s self evident, maybe because the ritual is about group bonding?
That’s what I do too. No one’s ever followed up with me either.
I was in a theatrical production 2 years ago and everyone had to say their pronouns when they introduced themselves. I was the very last to go and I just conveniently forgot. Thankfully, no one noticed.
Those of us who are pretending to forget to declare our pronouns: could that be more effective than declaring why we’re not declaring or answering with a joke?
Going on the offensive might chill the air, put others off.
But not going along might embolden others to just not go along with the ritual too. We’re modeling noncompliance without openly fighting.
How about?
WHAT! Are you blind? It should be obvious!
I was on an LGBTQ health journalist panel in February 2023 (the last time anyone would invite me to such a thing), and the VERY FIRST question the moderator asked was why I hadn't put my pronouns in my bio in the program. I didn't have an answer then, so I just quietly said I didn't wish to discuss it and hoped people would just forget about it.
Yes, Ben, it absolutely is a political act, and so is using the "preferred pronouns" of men who falsely claim to be women (such as B.Wu), and of women who falsely claim to be men (such as B.Angel), as you do.
And, Ben, yet another political act is permanently banning a commenter on your substack who points this out, as you did to me.
I don't recall, but I'm sure I had a very good reason.
Your reason is that you cannot tolerate anyone who disagrees with you. You support men like B.Wu having access to women's spaces, and you can't stand anyone who calls you out on that.
No, it's that I cannot tolerate certain people who are profoundly rude and insufferable.
Thank you for trying to be kind, however I've noticed that modelling for others that we need to announce our gender identity perpetuates trans identity social contagion.
Kindness is still possible IMO by saying something like "whatever you prefer, it doesn't matter to me"
I play Ultimate Frisbee in a league that is woke as it gets, and at the beginning of a new season it's customary for everyone to tell the team their name and pronouns. I just skip the pronoun part and, so far, that has worked. If anyone insists, I plan to say, "Use whatever pronouns seem natural to you."
That could wind up with someone calling me "she/her", but as I am obviously male that's likely to make the someone look foolish. In any case, gay men have been jokingly calling each other "Mary" since time immemorial, so I don't care.
Why Mary?
Oh, wait! I might have a better answer than a shrug.
I read a book last year about Polari, which was that UK slang that was used by gay people, among others. Anyway, in Polari, it was common to switch the sex of the person you were talking about, so instead of saying "him" you'd say "her", and the person you were talking to would just know you had done that. If anyone were listening, they'd assume you were talking about a woman, which was safer for gay men back in the 30s and 40s.
So if I were referring to Rob, I might say, "Roberta", and I'll warrant "Mary" saw similar usage.
(Polari was crazy to read about; those who weren't familiar with it would have zero idea what the speakers were saying.)
Good question! I'm not sure, but if one of us is getting cranky or something, someone else will say, "Calm down Mary." You could say any other female name...my personal favorite is Loretta.
For myself, this little custom means two things. First, it's reclaiming a term of derision that, as MarkS states, was used against us. Second, I think it's a way of poking fun at hyper-masculinity, and not taking oneself too seriously. I am sure others have a different take, but that's mine.
Isn't Loretta the name of the guy who decided to be woman in Monty Python's Life of Brian?
"Sensitve Note: When referring to a gay man, the term Mary can be contemptuous. However, even in direct address, it is more often used for humorous effect, without intent to offend. In fact, Mary is a term of address sometimes adopted by gay people themselves."
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/mary
Hmmm . . . If you're going 'round a circle, taking turns introducing yourself, then simply provide your name and leave it at that. It may be that no one will have the nerve to press you individually for the pronouns. But if it turns out that there are one or two nervy characters who are particularly evangelical about their gender religion and are willing to enforce universal participation in its rituals or they'll try to turn the event into a struggle session, I can only tell you how I hope I would respond if put on the spot in such a setting . . . I would say: "I'm not Catholic, so I don't pray over a rosary. I'm not Jewish, so I never celebrated my Bat Mitzvah. I'm not Baptist, so I am not in the habit of calling non-siblings "Brother" or "Sister." And I do not believe that a "sexed soul" is a thing; so let's just agree that you all may simply rely on my obvious biological sex to determine which pronoun you prefer to use for me?" If the room gets chilly after saying that, I'd probably find some other group of people to hang out with . . . life's too short to waste your leisure time with idiots, particularly ones too cowardly to prevent a social bully from requiring some initiation rite that nudges all into ideological conformity.
Ob/Vi/Ous
Me/myself/I is another good option
A friend puts this on her badge:
No/thank/you
I'm probably never going to be brave enough to say it, but I like the thought of responding with "Oh, I'm not religious"
I would want to say "what?" If they repeated the question, I would want to say "I don't understand." If they actually then tried to explain, I would respond with "That makes no sense to me, but you can refer to me however you like. My name is ..."
If you don't want to force them to explain (personally I think they should have to, but I know that can also change the vibe), then I would simply respond with "You can refer to me however you like. My name is ..." If they are bothered by that neutral statement, I don't know what to tell you.
Ha! I wrote something similar without reading yours first…
I just say my name, no pronouns. I don't use them in my email signature either, even though my employer instructed me to do so.
I always say "whatever you like". Most of the time I won't be present so call me anything. I don't put pronouns on my email signature also.
well, you need a short reply. the rhythm of the situation would be thrown off balance with something long winded.
how about: "oh, I'm not religious"
or, "that's not a game I play"
or, "I'm an XY"
I'm like you. I don't say a pronoun. No one has said anything yet. If pressed, I will say what a friend says, "Say what you see. "
"My pronouns are just what you'd think by looking at me."
If someone is asking you verbally for your pronouns and you are on the spot….what about this response: oh, I just use my name.
I recently auditioned for a play, and it was a very nice group of people watching the audition, and they each stood up one by one, before my monologue, (there were about three or four of them) and as they introduced themselves, they also announced their pronouns.
I shook each hand and smiled and said: Hi, I’m Jody.
The vibe was friendly. I think.
One of these.
Guess!
I don't think you should ask me to out myself; call me Robin.
On a form, if I have a place to do so, I write: I don't think you should ask that because it is forcing someone to out themself or lie about themself.
If they force me to answer, then I just don't fill out the form. (Which, so far, has meant I don't go to retiree events at UCSC, which I used to.)
I just say my name. Funny story: i'm in a group that had a visitor that prompted the group leader for the first time to ask for name and pronoun. The second person in the rotation had never heard of this and paused for thought and said, "We, I think I like We." two people later another person paused and then she said, "I agree with him, I like we."
The George Harrison pronouns: I Me Mine
I just say my name.
Maybe I’d say, “any” and if asked, I could say I’m comfortable either way, with any pronouns you organically and spontaneously use for me, because either way, I’m a female/woman.
When asking for pronouns was less common, I would act confused and say “um I’m female?” Like “duhh, why are you asking this?” Now that I can’t credibly pretend to be surprised by the ritual, I confidently ignore it unless it’s a required part of an electronic form (which it sadly is, all the time). I’d just say my name. If they asked “and your pronouns?” I think I’d pause as if I’m carefully considering my choices and then say “she/her/hers” but keep a slightly worried look on my face as if I might have been trying to get up the courage to say “he/him”. Idk. It would be funny to me to feel like I fucked with the ritual. In reality no one has ever called me out on just not stating pronouns or putting them on a name tag.
Anyone born last millennium can try "I'm too old for that" and probably score a win ;)
And if you were born this millennium, try "I'm too young for that".
I just use my name. When I was a child, I was in a situation where we all had to sing "Kumbaya" in a circle. I refused to do that as well. Guess im not a joiner! lol
Oh wait, another: "I identify as Finnish. They don't have gendered pronouns."
I forgot that my favorite pronoun is herm.
Wait...maybe: herman.
Another one I only wish I'd say: "Y-O-U is the only pronoun you need for me. Don't talk about me behind my back, haha."
Dunno about best, but it's been getting a laugh:
Natural born c*nt/Still a c*nt
(Disclaimer: They were Australians, as am I. Know your audience. ^^)
I would say "You may call me Carol, or Ms. Tavris, or Dr. Tavris."
In writing emails to people I don't know, I want to know what forms of address they prefer, not their pronouns. Especially in corresponding with people who speak languages I don't know -- Hungarian, say, or Korean.
True, but in that situation (where the name is foreign and the sex of the person not obvious from the name) it can be helpful to find out if the person is male or female in case you do at some point have to refer to them in the third person.
In those cases I just use the person's full name.
The royal we/our/ours
I like the words I saw on another woman’s Facebook profile: My pronouns are the same as my oppression: sex-based.
I live in Woke City, USA and work in community programs. I was at a group symposium with a lot of Black Leaders and several gave their pronouns as We/Us. I am not sure if they were making another political statement about solidarity with community vs. individualistic identities but I liked it. Anyway, that was the first and last time I used pronouns. Not sure what I would say if ever asked specifically what my pronouns are. No one has done that yet. Maybe, "You can call me [my name] or say you when looking in my direction."
"My" pronouns are "I" and "me." How others refer to me in the third person is not something under my control.
A couple years ago I tried “I don’t share pronouns on principle”. My partner pointed out that that could be interpreted as “I want my pronouns to remain private”. Lately I’ve just omitted the pronouns and given only my name.
Has anyone seen the post about someone’s elderly relative encountering pronoun-ritual questions on a medical form and they thought it was part of a quick dementia screening? (:
In the name of playing a sucker to educate a conformist try acting like you have no idea what they are requesting. The asker’s attempt to elucidate will likely toss them into an unintentional comedy skit and if the vibe starts to deteriorate just say ‘please call me <first name>’.
It's very similar to the behavior of astrology-believers (ones who REALLY believe it). They’ll often ask (politely) personal info like D.O.B. and if you obfuscate a bit their politeness either turns to tetchiness or they fly away to another mind.
I've never been asked(!), but if I ever am, here are a couple of responses that I've thought up. Key ingredient is being lighthearted/humorous about it.
"Oh, whatever you like, doesn't matter to me"
"Well today they're his/royal/majesty". If met with confusion (likely!): "So if for example you wanted to tell somebody that I'm in my office, you would say 'His is in majesty office'. And please don't get it wrong, I don't want to be misgendered!"
A 13 yo I know who has a developmental disorder just announced he won't use pronouns. He said that he is afraid that people won't use his name and will call him He or Him when talking to him. Its valid.
NA or Not Applicable. Let them figure it out.
I say I am a pronoun agnostic/avoider because I am still working out how I feel and I appreciate arguments both for and against preferred pronoun usage from a number of progressives and feminists I respect. While I understand that preferred pronoun usage has become a proxy for belief in gender ideology for some people, other non-believers point out that not every context requires we declare our political/belief positions.
On the flip side, agreeing to use female pronouns for a man in womanface (such as B.Wu) is a deeply misogynistic act. Doing so insults and demeans every woman on the planet.
an interesting video I saw by a linguist discussed how it is both easier than you think and harder than you think to switch to someone's preferred pronouns (from a cognitive perspective) BUT he found that asking someone's pronouns is forced speech and amounts to public "outing" as--even if you are a gender ideologue with good intentions--the person may be working through shit, as they say, and not ready to make that public
I would probably just say my name and ignore the pronouns question unless I was pushed to other. If pushed I would say that I don't believe in gender ideology or a more dismissive "oh, I just don't do this"
I was asked the pronoun question last year for an upcoming book. I will be mentioned with 99 other people, all of us asked our pronouns to be listed just under our name. I wrote ‘decline to state’. I am curious but I suspect I will be the 1% who didn’t fall in line, I hope there are more. It might make me stick out like a sore thumb but it just seemed irrelevant and forced upon me to make some political point. There’s a pic, a name … who cares how I ‘identify’. If they’re bothered by the lack of info, that’s on them.
I’ve never been asked, but my plan, as a clearly “feminine presenting” women, is to say He/Him.
"oh--" (as if startled) "any pronoun is fine!" Let them figure it out... BUT, that's only what I wish I'd do! So far, I've always been able to introduce myself and skip saying the pronouns.
"You may refer to me any way you like".
I say watch Behind the Looking Glass, which I'm waiting for that podcast to even mention, considering filmmaker Vaishnavi Sundar did a tour with it in Australia. On Thurs, April 17 at 1 pm EST, the story of Yuri will be up on Lime Soda Films channel, live streamed, wtih many of us trans widows in the chat, along with Vaishnavi. Yuri was one of the 1/3 of trans widows who was raped by her female identifying husband. That's my response. Here's a link to BTLG:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Frffv2sB8zE