These are great editorial suggestions! Maybe I'll do a few versions that people can choose from, or feel free to adopt and adapt for any purpose! And, yes, would be good to know what Canadian laws are in terms of parental rights. I'll poke around and see if I can find something.
It’s a superb letter but way too long and detailed. I’d be concise at first — I’m a parent who once understood and supported you, but I’ve changed my mind and wish to explain why — and then provide the evidence after a signature, urging the reader to continue for the fuller story.
Very good letter. Thank you. Yes it would need to be shorter and I’d punch up the part about social transition is not benign but can lead to greater consequences. I said that in a letter to the head of one of my kids. Not a kid who is in the grips of this but I can see many school mates are. I’ve been thinking about writing the board of directors as well
I think bullet point, headings might be good. Everyone has such short attention span. But a very good letter.
Every line of this contajns useful, substantive information. Rather than leaving anything out, another option could be to break up with headings, brief subhead summaries, and within that lots of white space and bullet points. But I suspect this is hardly anything new to you, Lisa. Am just so glad you’ve been able to squeeze in time to write this out.
I can't think of anything that should be added. Instead I think it needs to be about half as long if you want busy educators and administrators to read it. The second paragraph in particular seems unnecessary and possibly irrelevant, because the rationale for hiding this information from parents is that the parents are believed to be unsupportive; research about supportive parents probably won't carry much weight. If you're going to include this part, you should make it clear that just because a kid says "my parents aren't supportive" that isn't necessarily true.
The paragraph about what FERPA actually is should be closer to the top, because I think it's essential to your argument. However, I'm puzzled by this sentence: "Because this act violates constitutionally-conferred parental rights, there are now several lawsuits about secret social transition in play." Are you saying that FERPA violates constitutionally conferred (no hyphen!) rights? Or do you mean that the school policy violates those rights?
In general I think the letter can be edited way down. Since this is about parents' rights to know what's going on with their kids, I think the more generic points about gender identity and transition should take a back seat to the importance of parental involvement.
ETA: I like Carol's suggestion that the summaries of research findings could be included below the main part of the letter.
So glad you posted this. We desperately need sources that people who are well-meaning, willing to engage, but completely uninformed, feel they can trust, and as we all know, just from what Lisa has encountered, these are very hard to find.
I was viewing a video today that set off another set of alarm bells in this regard. I didn't listen to the whole of it, but while what the interviewee was saying was, for the most part, well-stated and unobjectionable, the interviewer took every opportunity to mock transsexual people who had, let's just say, awkward physical presentations. This, to my mind, not only does not help us, but only pushes folks further into their opposing corners. Meanwhile, so many good people, like those here who have worked so hard, and with such love, to help their children navigate adolescence and whatever additional issues they may have, are getting badly hurt.
This is a bit of an aside, but related: I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that included the issue of secret social transitioning. We have profound disagreements about gender ideology in all its manifestations, but we nonetheless managed to have a frank, open, and civil conversation on a lot of touchy topics. On the issue of secret social transitioning in schools, however, I was not able to find any common ground, so I wanted to offer here, for any thoughts anyone might have, a summary, as best I can, of how our discussion went.
Like me, my friend is gay and has never been a mother. In talking about abortion (we are both pro-choice), she explained she thought the state should stay out of it, that it was a matter between the family and their doctor. I analogized over to pediatric medical transitioning, and noted that in that case, the schools needed to stay out of it as well.
I noted that my spouse, a K-12 educator for her entire adult life, including 10 years as a head of school, always admonished her staff and faculty, long before gender issues were a "thing," that no matter how well they thought they knew what was best for the children in their charge, the parents are the ones who will be there for their children long after any faculty member is completely out of the picture. Therefore, unless abuse is at issue, the parents wishes for their child must be respected, and any tension on this had to be discussed with the parents and the child, never leaving the parents out.
In that context, I tried to explain the issue of social transitioning (that it isn't neutral and could result in putting the child on a medical pathway). In that context, I stressed how important it was that parents be informed should a child request of the school, eg, to change his/her name for one of the opposite sex.
My friend related to this from her perspective as a child once wanting to do "boy" things. She recalled, as an example, how much she wanted to play softball, and how a school teacher helped her get on the boy's team (I think there was no girl's team). She noted that, if her mom had known, she wouldn't have been comfortable with that, so she was glad the school didn't tell her.
I made a strong effort to distinguish softball from social transitioning. I also gave the hypothetical that, if the family was a loving one, if no abuse was present, if the parents had looked into the issue of social transitioning and had concerns that it might put their child on a medical path, and in that context asked the school not to agree to any social transitioning behind the parents' back, would she agree the school should honor the parents' request. Even with all those preconditions, she remained very uncomfortable with the idea.
Others who persisted were suffering from separation anxiety which is now being found in some case studies to result in difficulty in identifying with the parent of the same sex.
Thanks so much, Lisa. I do prefer the word collusion because it is accurate. But I know it gives people a rise. That’s part of the problem. Nobody wants to be accused of colluding even if they are.
Coastal Elite: I wish I had known much earlier than I did and could have been helpful. The sad truth is, like so many, as recently as a year ago I knew next to nothing about any of this. It’s really Josie who first started paying significant attention, her radar well up as an educator, and also, as a Brit, she was following the Forstater case and other events in the UK quite closely. My “gateway”(as for so many who are not parents and whose friend groups are older, with few to no encounters with kids and schools) was Title IX, and I only became aware of that issue in late 2022 and started to pursue educating myself, and then others I know. Somehow, in the course of that, I ran across Lisa’s Substack, and for the first time began to grasp the magnitude of what mothers are facing. So, in the first instance, I actually learned from Lisa and everyone here. Now, albeit in the smallest of ways, I am trying to pass it on (which reminds me of a song: https://youtu.be/FbLa9SftNto )
We do indeed need a suffragette party--I have been thinking that, too! And speaking of things said here that we each carry with us, one of the observations you made that keeps coming back to me relates exactly to that point (and please correct me if I don’t have the words right): “We ought to worry that so many girls are opting out of womanhood.”
Coastal: do you ever get to NYC or its environs? If you do, Josie (my spouse) and I would like to make you dinner. Who knows, maybe we could get Lisa over, too. Lisa has my email address, and I would be delighted for you to have it, BTW.
I read every line, I repeat, EVERY LINE of what you wrote to Josie, and every inch of it resonated from her lived experience as a teacher and head of school and, OK, as IMHO, a decent, well-informed human being. I am going to save every word you wrote and put it to whatever use I can, whenever I can. My friend, BTW, to whom I sent various articles, let me know she didn’t read them and won’t. She said with this no animus, just as a fact. I couldn’t get to square 1 on the vast increase in young girls presenting as trans, though I had the facts at my fingertips. I think I know what might be going on with her--she was sexually abused as a child--so I will need to continue to tread carefully, but tread I will whenever an opening occurs. I want you to know that you, particularly, along with Lisa and Penny, were sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, throughout the entire conversation.
I wish I’d saved the comment you made that I thought went right to the heart of it. Please forgive the weak paraphrase, but it was to the effect that we should be questioning why so many girls are rejecting womanhood. After all, being a girl is FUN: https://youtu.be/PIb6AZdTr-A
I have read this aloud to Josie and will carry it in my heart and head (whichI sometimes also use😎). I know what you mean about feeling sometimes taking too much of the airwaves--I am self-conscious about that, too. Yet, I am so grateful, too, for it has increased my understanding so much, even as it has my sorrow and frustration--and I love that Lisa has put up another open thread, for she, too, knows, with all else, how much it helps for us to talk amongst one another. As it happens, I am headed out the door for another coffee with a friend. He is far further along in his understanding--from not wanting to engage, he is now looking up things for himself, and we have good exchanges. One of the things I am going to talk with him about is social transitioning. 💕💕💕
Coastal Elite: just a while ago I returned home from the conversation with my friend today and wanted to let you know that all I’ve learned from Lisa, you, and others here was enormously helpful, with a really positive outcome. Among other things, I walked through with my friend the issue of social transitioning and parental involvement. He was clearly on board with what I was describing, but as it was in the abstract, I wanted to offer a personal story to help drive it home. I hope you won’t mind that, as part of that, I told him a little about you and your daughter, how you worked to remain connected with music, and read to him what you wrote here. His dismay at what you are confronting was palpable, without him even saying a word--though he did that, too. I know he will never forget this, and it will always be in his heart and mind and guide him as he speaks of this with others.
You are on! And let it be known, a) Josie knew who Dar Williams was (she is far and away the more culturally competent in our house) and even knew Williams lives in the Hudson Valley (where we spent a lot of “quality” time; (b) Diamonds and Rust, along with Heart Like a Wheel, are two of Josie’s fave breakup songs. So, say the word when you are in town, and we will make a plan! https://youtu.be/DH-nJwDAK8E
These are great editorial suggestions! Maybe I'll do a few versions that people can choose from, or feel free to adopt and adapt for any purpose! And, yes, would be good to know what Canadian laws are in terms of parental rights. I'll poke around and see if I can find something.
It’s a superb letter but way too long and detailed. I’d be concise at first — I’m a parent who once understood and supported you, but I’ve changed my mind and wish to explain why — and then provide the evidence after a signature, urging the reader to continue for the fuller story.
Good point. Well written but lengthy. I’d cut it down.
Very good letter. Thank you. Yes it would need to be shorter and I’d punch up the part about social transition is not benign but can lead to greater consequences. I said that in a letter to the head of one of my kids. Not a kid who is in the grips of this but I can see many school mates are. I’ve been thinking about writing the board of directors as well
I think bullet point, headings might be good. Everyone has such short attention span. But a very good letter.
Every line of this contajns useful, substantive information. Rather than leaving anything out, another option could be to break up with headings, brief subhead summaries, and within that lots of white space and bullet points. But I suspect this is hardly anything new to you, Lisa. Am just so glad you’ve been able to squeeze in time to write this out.
I can't think of anything that should be added. Instead I think it needs to be about half as long if you want busy educators and administrators to read it. The second paragraph in particular seems unnecessary and possibly irrelevant, because the rationale for hiding this information from parents is that the parents are believed to be unsupportive; research about supportive parents probably won't carry much weight. If you're going to include this part, you should make it clear that just because a kid says "my parents aren't supportive" that isn't necessarily true.
The paragraph about what FERPA actually is should be closer to the top, because I think it's essential to your argument. However, I'm puzzled by this sentence: "Because this act violates constitutionally-conferred parental rights, there are now several lawsuits about secret social transition in play." Are you saying that FERPA violates constitutionally conferred (no hyphen!) rights? Or do you mean that the school policy violates those rights?
In general I think the letter can be edited way down. Since this is about parents' rights to know what's going on with their kids, I think the more generic points about gender identity and transition should take a back seat to the importance of parental involvement.
ETA: I like Carol's suggestion that the summaries of research findings could be included below the main part of the letter.
Though it's accurate, the word collusion may be off-putting enough to deter people from the rest of the letter. Perhaps communicate/confide?
Thank you Lisa!
We need an equivalent for Canadian parents! Is there anyone here who can sub in something regarding Canadian laws? I'm so ignorant about it...
Edsource has posted an essay about social transition. Edsource is pretty mainstream for educators so impressive that it is there. https://edsource.org/2023/why-california-schools-shouldnt-keep-secrets-from-parents/688482
So glad you posted this. We desperately need sources that people who are well-meaning, willing to engage, but completely uninformed, feel they can trust, and as we all know, just from what Lisa has encountered, these are very hard to find.
I was viewing a video today that set off another set of alarm bells in this regard. I didn't listen to the whole of it, but while what the interviewee was saying was, for the most part, well-stated and unobjectionable, the interviewer took every opportunity to mock transsexual people who had, let's just say, awkward physical presentations. This, to my mind, not only does not help us, but only pushes folks further into their opposing corners. Meanwhile, so many good people, like those here who have worked so hard, and with such love, to help their children navigate adolescence and whatever additional issues they may have, are getting badly hurt.
I’m finally getting a chance to look through the links. I can’t get the two links in para 5 to open. I love your gift for writing, Lisa.
This is a bit of an aside, but related: I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that included the issue of secret social transitioning. We have profound disagreements about gender ideology in all its manifestations, but we nonetheless managed to have a frank, open, and civil conversation on a lot of touchy topics. On the issue of secret social transitioning in schools, however, I was not able to find any common ground, so I wanted to offer here, for any thoughts anyone might have, a summary, as best I can, of how our discussion went.
Like me, my friend is gay and has never been a mother. In talking about abortion (we are both pro-choice), she explained she thought the state should stay out of it, that it was a matter between the family and their doctor. I analogized over to pediatric medical transitioning, and noted that in that case, the schools needed to stay out of it as well.
I noted that my spouse, a K-12 educator for her entire adult life, including 10 years as a head of school, always admonished her staff and faculty, long before gender issues were a "thing," that no matter how well they thought they knew what was best for the children in their charge, the parents are the ones who will be there for their children long after any faculty member is completely out of the picture. Therefore, unless abuse is at issue, the parents wishes for their child must be respected, and any tension on this had to be discussed with the parents and the child, never leaving the parents out.
In that context, I tried to explain the issue of social transitioning (that it isn't neutral and could result in putting the child on a medical pathway). In that context, I stressed how important it was that parents be informed should a child request of the school, eg, to change his/her name for one of the opposite sex.
My friend related to this from her perspective as a child once wanting to do "boy" things. She recalled, as an example, how much she wanted to play softball, and how a school teacher helped her get on the boy's team (I think there was no girl's team). She noted that, if her mom had known, she wouldn't have been comfortable with that, so she was glad the school didn't tell her.
I made a strong effort to distinguish softball from social transitioning. I also gave the hypothetical that, if the family was a loving one, if no abuse was present, if the parents had looked into the issue of social transitioning and had concerns that it might put their child on a medical path, and in that context asked the school not to agree to any social transitioning behind the parents' back, would she agree the school should honor the parents' request. Even with all those preconditions, she remained very uncomfortable with the idea.
Well researched and well written but I think too long. Short and concise does the trick
Thank you!
The ones in the older studies who went on to transition might have included a large fraction of people who did not need it. Susan Bradley from the Toronto clinic now says:https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/medical/we-were-wrong-pioneer-in-child-gender-dysphoria-treatment-says-trans-medical-industry-is-harming-kids/ar-AA18wUwy she has come “to believe that most child patients who identified as transgender were actually on the autism spectrum or suffering from borderline personality disorder, which she believes should be classified as part of the autism spectrum.”
Others who persisted were suffering from separation anxiety which is now being found in some case studies to result in difficulty in identifying with the parent of the same sex.
Thanks so much, Lisa. I do prefer the word collusion because it is accurate. But I know it gives people a rise. That’s part of the problem. Nobody wants to be accused of colluding even if they are.
Here is trans widows finally being covered.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhzZWO1mWGk
Coastal, THIS is the bottom line, and you, as a high school teacher, are the ULTIMATE AUTHORITY. Respect.
Coastal Elite: I wish I had known much earlier than I did and could have been helpful. The sad truth is, like so many, as recently as a year ago I knew next to nothing about any of this. It’s really Josie who first started paying significant attention, her radar well up as an educator, and also, as a Brit, she was following the Forstater case and other events in the UK quite closely. My “gateway”(as for so many who are not parents and whose friend groups are older, with few to no encounters with kids and schools) was Title IX, and I only became aware of that issue in late 2022 and started to pursue educating myself, and then others I know. Somehow, in the course of that, I ran across Lisa’s Substack, and for the first time began to grasp the magnitude of what mothers are facing. So, in the first instance, I actually learned from Lisa and everyone here. Now, albeit in the smallest of ways, I am trying to pass it on (which reminds me of a song: https://youtu.be/FbLa9SftNto )
We do indeed need a suffragette party--I have been thinking that, too! And speaking of things said here that we each carry with us, one of the observations you made that keeps coming back to me relates exactly to that point (and please correct me if I don’t have the words right): “We ought to worry that so many girls are opting out of womanhood.”
I read this to Josie, who responded, “a school in spring is like a 2 year old deprived of a nap.”
Coastal: do you ever get to NYC or its environs? If you do, Josie (my spouse) and I would like to make you dinner. Who knows, maybe we could get Lisa over, too. Lisa has my email address, and I would be delighted for you to have it, BTW.
I read every line, I repeat, EVERY LINE of what you wrote to Josie, and every inch of it resonated from her lived experience as a teacher and head of school and, OK, as IMHO, a decent, well-informed human being. I am going to save every word you wrote and put it to whatever use I can, whenever I can. My friend, BTW, to whom I sent various articles, let me know she didn’t read them and won’t. She said with this no animus, just as a fact. I couldn’t get to square 1 on the vast increase in young girls presenting as trans, though I had the facts at my fingertips. I think I know what might be going on with her--she was sexually abused as a child--so I will need to continue to tread carefully, but tread I will whenever an opening occurs. I want you to know that you, particularly, along with Lisa and Penny, were sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, throughout the entire conversation.
I wish I’d saved the comment you made that I thought went right to the heart of it. Please forgive the weak paraphrase, but it was to the effect that we should be questioning why so many girls are rejecting womanhood. After all, being a girl is FUN: https://youtu.be/PIb6AZdTr-A
I have read this aloud to Josie and will carry it in my heart and head (whichI sometimes also use😎). I know what you mean about feeling sometimes taking too much of the airwaves--I am self-conscious about that, too. Yet, I am so grateful, too, for it has increased my understanding so much, even as it has my sorrow and frustration--and I love that Lisa has put up another open thread, for she, too, knows, with all else, how much it helps for us to talk amongst one another. As it happens, I am headed out the door for another coffee with a friend. He is far further along in his understanding--from not wanting to engage, he is now looking up things for himself, and we have good exchanges. One of the things I am going to talk with him about is social transitioning. 💕💕💕
Coastal Elite: just a while ago I returned home from the conversation with my friend today and wanted to let you know that all I’ve learned from Lisa, you, and others here was enormously helpful, with a really positive outcome. Among other things, I walked through with my friend the issue of social transitioning and parental involvement. He was clearly on board with what I was describing, but as it was in the abstract, I wanted to offer a personal story to help drive it home. I hope you won’t mind that, as part of that, I told him a little about you and your daughter, how you worked to remain connected with music, and read to him what you wrote here. His dismay at what you are confronting was palpable, without him even saying a word--though he did that, too. I know he will never forget this, and it will always be in his heart and mind and guide him as he speaks of this with others.
Josie is already thinking about the menu . . . Just sayin’ . . . And just listened, BTW, to the Dar Williams When I Was A Boy. WOWOWOWOWOW!
You are on! And let it be known, a) Josie knew who Dar Williams was (she is far and away the more culturally competent in our house) and even knew Williams lives in the Hudson Valley (where we spent a lot of “quality” time; (b) Diamonds and Rust, along with Heart Like a Wheel, are two of Josie’s fave breakup songs. So, say the word when you are in town, and we will make a plan! https://youtu.be/DH-nJwDAK8E
The real deal version of Heart Like a Wheel: https://youtu.be/zcmy9KFsLYo
Bring your guitar!