Yesterday I was inspired to nag my partially-Covid-infected family into participating in Tashlich, a ritual in which one casts off what they want to leave behind—usually by way of tossing bread into a body of water—and stepping into a new beginning. Who do you want to become this year, I asked my family. What do you want to bid farewell to, and what do you want to aspire to? (The real inspiration came from my friend Alana and this sermon by her husband.)
They made fun of the whole thing, complained, threw their rocks in the water (I didn’t want to pollute the dog pond with bread) and we went back inside. But I am so pleased to be able to ponder this right now. I want to stop having conflicts with people, to feel confident enough in what I’m doing that I don’t need to prove it to the nonbelievers, to be able to determine who is reachable and not worry about those who aren’t, to be curious and kind-ish, and tell the whole fucking truth. I am committed to staying centered, to continuing the message that gender diversity is natural and normal, and to trying to show people that what they think they’re supporting is not actually helping with that mission. I don’t want to tell them that they’re wrong; I want to show them the whole picture so they can properly make up their minds.
I’m doing some traveling in the coming months to interview people for this project, and would love to hang with some folks. I’ll be headed soon to Seattle and DC, later in the year to Portland, Philly and several other places in VA, NC, STL. Ping me if you are in those spots; write “heretic hangout” in the subject line.
Please talk amongst yourselves here about what you need going forward to be your best self.
I love what you're saying here. Very inspiring. I hope for the same for myself -- less anger, more understanding -- less fear, more faith -- less uncertainty, more confidence. May this coming year open doors for "the message that gender diversity is natural and normal, and to show people that what they think they’re supporting is not actually helping with that mission." I love this!
Basically, what I want to be is in the serenity prayer - serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I say the serenity prayer when I remember too. I had an idea for a support group modeled after alonon or even AA that parents could do a parents of “trans” kids support group bc it’s probably the only thing the serenity prayer calms my intense fear, grief, guilt and anxiety. It’s always lurking in the back of my mind day & night. There was a wonderful woman in my old support group ...they were mostly British self declared Terfs and she tough and hilarious She would remind us of the 3 C’s of Alanon:
1. You didn’t cause it
2. You can’t cure it
3 You can’t control it
Then they would say “Coastal” get a bigger fuck-it bucket! “My daughter has a mustache...fuck it”! The laughter was good for us. We had some laughs. “Coastal in Oregon is true that can get pizza & pot delivery?!” ... yes it is. Those Britain terfy beauties were so hilarious. Bless them all. I learned what a Fanny means in British.
The grief in that group brought out the humor. Bless those women, they were so smart & clever. So many have been through so much it’s heartbreaking if i think about it too much bc they were so generous. I even started a ritual of making a proper English tea before our zooms. Anyway, I like your idea MooninMamma.
It’s very easy to get caught up in the latest happenings and there is so much information coming out daily, it was an obsession for me bc I thought “if Tavistock closed maybe my daughter the world will surely see this horror will stop”. If it stops, my daughter will come back to me with her beautiful smile & funny laugh and she’ll want to watch Gilmore Girls on again or New Girl, or let me buy her some new clothes bc rt she looks like she doesn’t have a mom & she wears little rags. She was my only child who was grateful for a pair of new rain boots and never asked for much. I have a little photo of her by my nightstand, she looks so happy. I use to have dreams about her girl self but now I never dream of her anymore as a girl or boy.
No matter what happens in the news, or what I read...the only the that’s helped has been reading personal stories & support from other moms. And I don’t mean just moms of “trans” kids. All the my best friends who are holding each other up rt now...bc our kids are suffering they are my lifelines. Thanks moms...💜💚🤍
I love the tashlich ritual…even if your kids don't take it seriously, they will remember and appreciate it someday. We always kept Sabbath and my dad made it special. Good food and nature walks or we went to the beach. I keep the little rituals with my kids. No bills, no chores just family time and a good meal on Sabbath. It's my one strict rule. It also got me out of school events like car wash fundraisers on Saturday. I highly recommend it
Mary Jane’s… they keep the pizza simple. No vegan, no gluten free…for when you the emergency munchies. They do pot & pizza-pot delivery…if only I were a stoner.
I am also trying to calm down about all this. Since mid summer, I have been trying on the concept that I made it through this with my kids intact and wary of their own generation so it's "not my problem" anymore. I don't believe it, of course, since we are all needed to make society better, but there is only so much I can do and maybe I already did a lot. You certainly can take that stance and remove a bit of the anger and stress, Lisa. You deserve that so much! None of us deserves the anger and stress and the injury that causes to our own health and well being.
Hi Lisa! Your "ping me" link didn't work for me. I'm in Seattle and would love to hang out with you. I've been doing some good work on my personal facebook page, conducting civil discussions on sex and gender identity and specifically on our public schools' gender identity policies. I seem to have a knack for hosting civil discussions on controversial topics among my friends and I would like to share with you what I've done so far. Let me know how I can privately get you my contact info.
My main goal for the upcoming year is to keep working on self-acceptance and stoicism. Maybe I'll finally get around to fully tolerating my sexual orientation--because while it didn't get me into the trans mess, it certainly kept me locked in for way too long.
Looking forward and not backwards. It’s really hard — even resisting the side-glance into the rearview mirror to see if maybe now…or maybe NOW someone who I felt hurt by can see things from my perspective! Accepting that it doesn’t matter if someone sees things from my perspective— there are consequences of standing in one’s own truth and being strong enough to accept those consequences. Judging favorably. (Or not judging at all!) Self-kindness. Gratitude.
Am I the only who cuts friends off if they cross my boundaries, I’ve cut out 2 but they didn’t want to understand my perspective they wanted to educate me on why I’m wrong not to go along with medical interventions. One of my friends said “If my daughter hid her trans identity from me I’d really question my parenting”. She forgot but I didn’t. When I was at the lowest low of my life of absolute terror….every word of criticism cut deep. I was already doubting my mothering and judging myself more than else ever could.
It’s hard to put up boundaries with people and keep a soft heart. That’s why I’ve limited my friends…but I got new friends that I would have ever met. My life and whole world has opened up to new people…like a friend I met on this very Substack. And another woman who is in her 70s, how would I have met these wonderful women? If you know some mom who is struggling give her a phone call and say “I’m thinking about you…you are great mom”. I have to make a phone call now and check in with my friend. Thanks this was a wonderful idea Alana.
Both of your responses to my comment disappeared, which is a shame because they were so sweet and beautiful. I apologize if my comment below came out as snappish or judgmental. We clearly don't need more judgment piled up on us. And you are right, the friends you describe are great bad-ass moms.
Not to start an argument but I actually really don't like using words like "great mom" , "good mom", "good person". It seems too simplistic and kind of condescending. I would of course encourage a struggling mom and tell her that she is doing right by her child (if that's what I sincerely believe). But what that woman told you about "question my parenting"...? Either nasty or stupid
I’m cool with being called a badass bitch…sexy motherfucker! Like the Prince song.
But honestly good mom is fine by me…I’ve been told by my own parents « you used to such a good mom and so patient »!
« Well mom & dad…at least my kids don’t have to take me to rehab…and be my teen DD like I did bc I’m parenting sober ». Low bar in the parenting department.
It sounds like you’ve made a healthy decision to draw boundaries in the ways you have. Judgment of mothers from other mothers (not to mention friends!) is so painful, and I think you’re smart to protect yourself and your family from that.
Who do I want to become this year, what do I want to let go of, and what do I want to aspire to? I want to be the fun and sweet, loving mom my girls can easily seek out for comfort and come to for solace and support, I want to let go of the worry and move towards the time where my girls feel ease and our family can breathe again.
Thanks for this, Lisa, I really appreciated your comment and enjoyed reading what everyone wrote. My intention for the coming year is similar to Lisa's - I want to have conversations, not yell at the other side with no hope of them hearing me or me hearing them.
Last week I went to the Million Person March for Children that was organized in more than a dozen cities here in Canada to protest the way gender and sexual orientation are taught in public schools. I stayed for about an hour (then had to go back to work), but I felt conflicted about it because it was literally two opposing sides (the protesters and the counter-protesters) either preaching to the choir or else yelling at each other. If you google it you'll see a bunch of videos and you can see for yourselves the sort of atmosphere that was there. In any case, I was glad I went because I saw this was not a "anti-trans, anti-LGBTQ" protest like the media was making it out to be, and I think we do need to make our voices heard and our stance more visible. But this protest did nothing to promote conversation or understanding or compromise. In fact, the result was the opposite because media spun it as "hateful" and politicians and school unions and universities all called it "hateful", and it made people even angrier on both sides.
So, for my own personal self, I will most likely avoid protests, but I will speak out in other ways, especially to promote conversation and understanding. I am inspired by Julia Mallot, who had a lot of crap thrown at her from both sides, and yet she keeps going with her mission of bringing people together and finding common ground. As a Christian, I will make every effort and take every opportunity to speak the truth in love.
Thx for this...I’ve never protested anything in my life. Bc I don’t like crowds. Thanks for this comment « it did nothing to promote conversation or understanding or compromise »...beautiful.
I have one mother & father (pro GAC) for their 20 yo trans son coming in tomorrow. I also separated myself from mass social media platforms years ago, so in terms of reach I'm relying on word of mouth & PITT at this point.
This is the loveliest of threads; every comment is wonderful. With thanks to Lisa, yet once again, for opening this thread, and with a wonderful story of her own. I love Lisa’s own answer to the questions, too: “I want to stop having conflicts with people, to feel confident enough in what I’m doing that I don’t need to prove it to the nonbelievers, to be able to determine who is reachable and not worry about those who aren’t, to be curious and kind-ish, and tell the whole fucking truth.” This is a perfect set of guideposts for the year to come, better than any I could come up with on my own. Thank you.
Good Yontif! HaShem has been nudging me to continue to persevere with searching for parents & grandparents of gender questioning/confused youth. This was once a piece of normative child development, no? It is clear that my formal educational experiences, as well as my work/career path to this point has led me to shout, "I am here! I'm a trauma trained, pro human development, reality based clinician in Maryland in the US who is available to work with hurt, confused, angry, bewildered, struggling parents and/or other family members. There are like thinking clinicians; many fear backlash, blackballing, & harassment. Go to GETA (international organization) Gender Exploratory Therapy Association
Erica, what do you mean by "this was once a piece of normative child development"? Do you mean it's normal for kids to be confused about gender? At what age? I am asking because I never have seen any gender confused kids until this trans craze started.
Can’t answer for sure for the original poster, but I suspect she means that trying on different identities has long been considered THE hallmark developmental task of adolescence.
I’ve seen the trailer and it resonates. I listened to a podcast by the director and he seemed very invested in the topic. My question is, is Epoch TV (their company, Epoch News, provided the funding for the film) reputable?
Thank you and looking forward to y’all’s thoughts.
Lisa and Kate, I am not really sure where to put this but wanted to draw your attention to the fact that Gender Spectrum announced that as of yesterday, 9/27, they are ceasing all direct services programming. There's an announcement on their homepage here: https://www.genderspectrum.org/
I am curious about what this means. My impression is that this org has trained just about every independent school in the Bay Area (and doubtless many beyond), plus healthcare orgs too. I see their name on the trans-related documents used at my kids' schools. Per the announcement they will be maintaining a resource hub so alas their influence won't be going away but still, this feels big.
I'm glad you asked Moomin! I meant with hormone fluctuations at certain ages, children normatively question their feelings because they don't understand them. Some of their feelings may be confusing around gender/sex because no one explains how these hormone surges work to children. There is a lesser known hormone change process that occurs for most kids between the ages of 7-9/10.
To be clear, this is NOT the same as children announcing statements such as, “I have a girl’s brain & Im trapped in a boy’s body”; “I’m changing my name to (insert opposite sex or androgynous name here) & I won’t answer to my dead name”; or “I’ve always been a boy,” with no history or evidence that she was ever uncomfortable being a girl.
I love what you're saying here. Very inspiring. I hope for the same for myself -- less anger, more understanding -- less fear, more faith -- less uncertainty, more confidence. May this coming year open doors for "the message that gender diversity is natural and normal, and to show people that what they think they’re supporting is not actually helping with that mission." I love this!
Basically, what I want to be is in the serenity prayer - serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I say the serenity prayer when I remember too. I had an idea for a support group modeled after alonon or even AA that parents could do a parents of “trans” kids support group bc it’s probably the only thing the serenity prayer calms my intense fear, grief, guilt and anxiety. It’s always lurking in the back of my mind day & night. There was a wonderful woman in my old support group ...they were mostly British self declared Terfs and she tough and hilarious She would remind us of the 3 C’s of Alanon:
1. You didn’t cause it
2. You can’t cure it
3 You can’t control it
Then they would say “Coastal” get a bigger fuck-it bucket! “My daughter has a mustache...fuck it”! The laughter was good for us. We had some laughs. “Coastal in Oregon is true that can get pizza & pot delivery?!” ... yes it is. Those Britain terfy beauties were so hilarious. Bless them all. I learned what a Fanny means in British.
The grief in that group brought out the humor. Bless those women, they were so smart & clever. So many have been through so much it’s heartbreaking if i think about it too much bc they were so generous. I even started a ritual of making a proper English tea before our zooms. Anyway, I like your idea MooninMamma.
It’s very easy to get caught up in the latest happenings and there is so much information coming out daily, it was an obsession for me bc I thought “if Tavistock closed maybe my daughter the world will surely see this horror will stop”. If it stops, my daughter will come back to me with her beautiful smile & funny laugh and she’ll want to watch Gilmore Girls on again or New Girl, or let me buy her some new clothes bc rt she looks like she doesn’t have a mom & she wears little rags. She was my only child who was grateful for a pair of new rain boots and never asked for much. I have a little photo of her by my nightstand, she looks so happy. I use to have dreams about her girl self but now I never dream of her anymore as a girl or boy.
No matter what happens in the news, or what I read...the only the that’s helped has been reading personal stories & support from other moms. And I don’t mean just moms of “trans” kids. All the my best friends who are holding each other up rt now...bc our kids are suffering they are my lifelines. Thanks moms...💜💚🤍
This is incredibly moving — thank you for sharing your experience with us. 💜
This was entirely inspired by Alana here, everyone—I saw her FB post about Tashlich. She's my muse.
I love the tashlich ritual…even if your kids don't take it seriously, they will remember and appreciate it someday. We always kept Sabbath and my dad made it special. Good food and nature walks or we went to the beach. I keep the little rituals with my kids. No bills, no chores just family time and a good meal on Sabbath. It's my one strict rule. It also got me out of school events like car wash fundraisers on Saturday. I highly recommend it
Pizza and pot, lol!
Mary Jane’s… they keep the pizza simple. No vegan, no gluten free…for when you the emergency munchies. They do pot & pizza-pot delivery…if only I were a stoner.
I got a lot of notes about hangouts and will respond to them soon! Going a little slowly due to viral infections...
Let's meet up in Portland!
I am also trying to calm down about all this. Since mid summer, I have been trying on the concept that I made it through this with my kids intact and wary of their own generation so it's "not my problem" anymore. I don't believe it, of course, since we are all needed to make society better, but there is only so much I can do and maybe I already did a lot. You certainly can take that stance and remove a bit of the anger and stress, Lisa. You deserve that so much! None of us deserves the anger and stress and the injury that causes to our own health and well being.
Are you in Portland, Oregon? I am. Let’s connect! You can reach me at hollymhart@gmail.com
I have had my head above the parapet in the fight to protect women and children from the current gender identity insanity for several years. https://www.facebook.com/holly.m.hart?mibextid=LQQJ4d
Hi Lisa! Your "ping me" link didn't work for me. I'm in Seattle and would love to hang out with you. I've been doing some good work on my personal facebook page, conducting civil discussions on sex and gender identity and specifically on our public schools' gender identity policies. I seem to have a knack for hosting civil discussions on controversial topics among my friends and I would like to share with you what I've done so far. Let me know how I can privately get you my contact info.
Terry
My main goal for the upcoming year is to keep working on self-acceptance and stoicism. Maybe I'll finally get around to fully tolerating my sexual orientation--because while it didn't get me into the trans mess, it certainly kept me locked in for way too long.
Looking forward and not backwards. It’s really hard — even resisting the side-glance into the rearview mirror to see if maybe now…or maybe NOW someone who I felt hurt by can see things from my perspective! Accepting that it doesn’t matter if someone sees things from my perspective— there are consequences of standing in one’s own truth and being strong enough to accept those consequences. Judging favorably. (Or not judging at all!) Self-kindness. Gratitude.
Am I the only who cuts friends off if they cross my boundaries, I’ve cut out 2 but they didn’t want to understand my perspective they wanted to educate me on why I’m wrong not to go along with medical interventions. One of my friends said “If my daughter hid her trans identity from me I’d really question my parenting”. She forgot but I didn’t. When I was at the lowest low of my life of absolute terror….every word of criticism cut deep. I was already doubting my mothering and judging myself more than else ever could.
It’s hard to put up boundaries with people and keep a soft heart. That’s why I’ve limited my friends…but I got new friends that I would have ever met. My life and whole world has opened up to new people…like a friend I met on this very Substack. And another woman who is in her 70s, how would I have met these wonderful women? If you know some mom who is struggling give her a phone call and say “I’m thinking about you…you are great mom”. I have to make a phone call now and check in with my friend. Thanks this was a wonderful idea Alana.
Both of your responses to my comment disappeared, which is a shame because they were so sweet and beautiful. I apologize if my comment below came out as snappish or judgmental. We clearly don't need more judgment piled up on us. And you are right, the friends you describe are great bad-ass moms.
Not to start an argument but I actually really don't like using words like "great mom" , "good mom", "good person". It seems too simplistic and kind of condescending. I would of course encourage a struggling mom and tell her that she is doing right by her child (if that's what I sincerely believe). But what that woman told you about "question my parenting"...? Either nasty or stupid
I’m cool with being called a badass bitch…sexy motherfucker! Like the Prince song.
But honestly good mom is fine by me…I’ve been told by my own parents « you used to such a good mom and so patient »!
« Well mom & dad…at least my kids don’t have to take me to rehab…and be my teen DD like I did bc I’m parenting sober ». Low bar in the parenting department.
It sounds like you’ve made a healthy decision to draw boundaries in the ways you have. Judgment of mothers from other mothers (not to mention friends!) is so painful, and I think you’re smart to protect yourself and your family from that.
💔
💔❤️
Who do I want to become this year, what do I want to let go of, and what do I want to aspire to? I want to be the fun and sweet, loving mom my girls can easily seek out for comfort and come to for solace and support, I want to let go of the worry and move towards the time where my girls feel ease and our family can breathe again.
Thank you for this exercise. 🩷
Me too
Thanks for this, Lisa, I really appreciated your comment and enjoyed reading what everyone wrote. My intention for the coming year is similar to Lisa's - I want to have conversations, not yell at the other side with no hope of them hearing me or me hearing them.
Last week I went to the Million Person March for Children that was organized in more than a dozen cities here in Canada to protest the way gender and sexual orientation are taught in public schools. I stayed for about an hour (then had to go back to work), but I felt conflicted about it because it was literally two opposing sides (the protesters and the counter-protesters) either preaching to the choir or else yelling at each other. If you google it you'll see a bunch of videos and you can see for yourselves the sort of atmosphere that was there. In any case, I was glad I went because I saw this was not a "anti-trans, anti-LGBTQ" protest like the media was making it out to be, and I think we do need to make our voices heard and our stance more visible. But this protest did nothing to promote conversation or understanding or compromise. In fact, the result was the opposite because media spun it as "hateful" and politicians and school unions and universities all called it "hateful", and it made people even angrier on both sides.
So, for my own personal self, I will most likely avoid protests, but I will speak out in other ways, especially to promote conversation and understanding. I am inspired by Julia Mallot, who had a lot of crap thrown at her from both sides, and yet she keeps going with her mission of bringing people together and finding common ground. As a Christian, I will make every effort and take every opportunity to speak the truth in love.
Thx for this...I’ve never protested anything in my life. Bc I don’t like crowds. Thanks for this comment « it did nothing to promote conversation or understanding or compromise »...beautiful.
I have one mother & father (pro GAC) for their 20 yo trans son coming in tomorrow. I also separated myself from mass social media platforms years ago, so in terms of reach I'm relying on word of mouth & PITT at this point.
This is the loveliest of threads; every comment is wonderful. With thanks to Lisa, yet once again, for opening this thread, and with a wonderful story of her own. I love Lisa’s own answer to the questions, too: “I want to stop having conflicts with people, to feel confident enough in what I’m doing that I don’t need to prove it to the nonbelievers, to be able to determine who is reachable and not worry about those who aren’t, to be curious and kind-ish, and tell the whole fucking truth.” This is a perfect set of guideposts for the year to come, better than any I could come up with on my own. Thank you.
Good Yontif! HaShem has been nudging me to continue to persevere with searching for parents & grandparents of gender questioning/confused youth. This was once a piece of normative child development, no? It is clear that my formal educational experiences, as well as my work/career path to this point has led me to shout, "I am here! I'm a trauma trained, pro human development, reality based clinician in Maryland in the US who is available to work with hurt, confused, angry, bewildered, struggling parents and/or other family members. There are like thinking clinicians; many fear backlash, blackballing, & harassment. Go to GETA (international organization) Gender Exploratory Therapy Association
Erica, what do you mean by "this was once a piece of normative child development"? Do you mean it's normal for kids to be confused about gender? At what age? I am asking because I never have seen any gender confused kids until this trans craze started.
Can’t answer for sure for the original poster, but I suspect she means that trying on different identities has long been considered THE hallmark developmental task of adolescence.
I can't believe you don't have a waitlist…
I’m near Seattle and just pinged you!
Hi Lisa, I was wondering if anyone here has heard of this film:
https://www.gendertransformation.com/
I’ve seen the trailer and it resonates. I listened to a podcast by the director and he seemed very invested in the topic. My question is, is Epoch TV (their company, Epoch News, provided the funding for the film) reputable?
Thank you and looking forward to y’all’s thoughts.
Lisa and Kate, I am not really sure where to put this but wanted to draw your attention to the fact that Gender Spectrum announced that as of yesterday, 9/27, they are ceasing all direct services programming. There's an announcement on their homepage here: https://www.genderspectrum.org/
I am curious about what this means. My impression is that this org has trained just about every independent school in the Bay Area (and doubtless many beyond), plus healthcare orgs too. I see their name on the trans-related documents used at my kids' schools. Per the announcement they will be maintaining a resource hub so alas their influence won't be going away but still, this feels big.
I'm glad you asked Moomin! I meant with hormone fluctuations at certain ages, children normatively question their feelings because they don't understand them. Some of their feelings may be confusing around gender/sex because no one explains how these hormone surges work to children. There is a lesser known hormone change process that occurs for most kids between the ages of 7-9/10.
To be clear, this is NOT the same as children announcing statements such as, “I have a girl’s brain & Im trapped in a boy’s body”; “I’m changing my name to (insert opposite sex or androgynous name here) & I won’t answer to my dead name”; or “I’ve always been a boy,” with no history or evidence that she was ever uncomfortable being a girl.
Hope this makes sense!