Tell me what you’ve given up to tell the truth, or to help others do so.
I ask because I’ve noticed that when people outside the “resistance,” as I call it, want to critique us, they call us bigots. When those inside the resistance turn on their own, they use the term grifter. The accusation is that we’re in this for money or fame. (I discovered the phrase “every accusation is an admission,” which makes some sense. But it’s true that many of us have made this topic the center of our professional lives, myself included.)
There’s quite a bit of infighting and jockeying for power or dominance, which I often ignore as I continue to push the broad coalition aspect—because that’s what I like about it. That’s the potential in fighting this battle with unlikely compatriots. Maybe we can actually get beyond the political binary someday.
This week, someone suggested to me that only clinicians who put their licenses on the line have anything real at stake. I get the point, but I object. Losing your job sucks, for sure. But losing your friends, family, standing in your community? That’s a lot at stake.
I’m not interested in competing for who’s more of a martyr. But I am interested in exposing just how hard it is to push back against this institutionalized gender machine, and how important it is that we do so together and from many angles. And I’m interested in documenting that challenge—both in terms of what we give up, and in terms of how difficult it is to be in a coalition with people of different backgrounds and beliefs.
I’ve lost friends and been blocked by folks who live across the country on fb. My red pill occurred a little over 2 years ago. I used to live in Birmingham Alabama which is the most woke spot in Alabama and I lived in the most woke little area called Southside. It’s the Portland of Alabama. Well I live in Montgomery for the last 10 years. Did I mention I am a lesbian and have friends who are trans. Well I went up for a birthday party 2 years ago and found out I had 8
Friends w trans kids and that freaked me out. So I started reading and reasearching and read Shrier, and H Joyce and Stock and so many more and saw at the same time Will Thomas. My mentor works in the works of Dive snd Swin so I got to hear about the whole thing. But I won’t be silenced. I had severe gender issues as a kid and am convinced I would have been transed. Taking away orgasm and sterilizing kids is a human rights issue.
It is a very hard situation to be in for the parents. I, myself, lost friends over it. Now that my daughter desisted, not one person will even apologize or at least admit they were wrong. Had I "gone along with the crowd", my child would be medically and chemically transitioned. Then it would have been too late. So, what do I say to these "friends"? Look up the word "friend" in the dictionary. Then look in the mirror.
To be clear, my interest in the issues regarding the treatment of transsexuals is as a gay man, now approaching 80 years old, who had a terrible time at age 12 or so understanding much less accepting his sexual attractions to other boys. I'll omit trying to describe all the turmoil and the wildly confused thinking I suffered except to say one of many conflicting theories i invented to try to explain what I was experiencing was that I was in some inexplicable sense "really" a girl. I discarded this notion fairly fast and finally got some relief from the turmoil with the conclusion that it was all just a "phase" I was going through and would eventually grow out of. (Or so I hoped! Fat chance of that, of course.)
What made me aware of how important it was to determine how best to deal with children going through something like I did all those years ago was coming across the papers concluding that the great majority of such kids would mature into perfectly normal, ordinary gay teens, 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 they weren't molested by being told they were in fact "really" the other sex and, to make matters worse, offering medical treatment to make them roughly resemble the opposite sex. Everything I've learned has hardened my conclusion that the radical trans ideology is nothing less than a threat to "trans away the gay". As the notorious staffer at Tavistok asked, "What are we going to do when we run out of gay kids?"
What alarms me is the way several developments have made the trans ideologues impervious to opposition. The genius move by the movement was to somehow make it a matter of "social justice" instead of a question of medicine or psychology. Once that was accomplished, the rest followed: the suicide myth, the claimed reversibility of the consequences of GnRHa and opposite sex hormones and the minimization of their side effects, the nonsense that "kids know who they are", worst of all, schools concealing the matters from parents. You know who else tells kids they should not tell their parents? Sexual predators.
I'm in no position to fully understand the anguish of parents in this situation. The closest problem I've seen is that of parents who have themselves recovered from alcoholism or drug addiction now seeing their children slipping into the horrors of addiction, all the while knowing they are powerless to stop it. The only suggestion I might have is for parents is to make sure their children caught in this madness know you still love them and will always be available to help them escape it.
At my child's school I'm considered cruel or it must be because I'm conservative ( I've always thought of myself as Liberal) that I don't affirm my child and her friends. But the teachers at the school who also have children that identify as trans, nod their agreement when I speak of the harms of gender ideology to women and children and pray their kids out grow this trend before they are medically harmed. But these teachers , who don't believe gender ideology is healthy for their kids, go along with the fiction at school because they are afraid of losing their jobs and friends.
I've lost friends. A few family members have also betrayed me, by affirming our mentally ill daughter's male identity. One had even offered to send her testosterone surreptitiously.
What have I lost? I lost my daughter ... I lost her future as a physically and mentally healthy young woman. I lost hearing her beautiful singing voice and her ability to breastfeed her children, my grandchildren if she wishes to have children. All of those things are true... of course she has lost them in more concrete ways than myself. I lost a relationship with someone I knew for 21 years, who is now a different person. I lost trips we would have taken, shopping we would have done. We are still in relationship but it is strained... I love her with all my being but can not respect the lying she has done and the choices she has made.
What have I gained? A true reckoning of my values, a real sense of what is important in life. Deeper relationships with some friends and family. Was it worth it ... nope. Life goes on, there is deep grief and at times some hope.
Sorry, I keep replying to others but haven’t answered the question Lisa asked. I have had little direct fallout from my views because, well, see my username. Because of my job I have tried to toe a very fine line—not agreeing with transgender ideology, and pushing back on it when I can in private conversations, but otherwise keeping my mouth shut. I am not in a position to do otherwise unless I want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. But I realize many have been willing to put everything on the line for this and I admire their courage. I honestly do not think my sacrifice would be helpful at all so it is not a consideration for me to speak out loudly and publicly at this time. However I have spoken whenever I can with those who I sense have doubts and I feel like I’m planting seeds. I did have a big disagreement with a friend who I tried to talk to about this but she forgave me for my ignorance, sigh.
As a therapist, life long liberal, and mother to an ROGD daughter, I have lost so much during these last seven years of speaking out and keeping my child from medicalizing even while the delusion of male identity rages on. I've lost the ability/willingness to engage with my fellow clinicians in my group practice after my ROGD presentation and plea for my colleagues to stop writing letters green lighting puberty blockers, hormones, and surgeries were not well received. So far no actions against my license, though.
I've lost friends and a sense of connection to my community as a "Leftugee" who cannot stop talking about how the Emperor has no clothes, leading not to just an old naked guy in a fictional village square, but to far more sinister invasions of formerly safe female spaces and the insanely sanctioned lifelong harm to children.
I've lost a sense of closeness to my daughter who has been "glittered" by the world at large and other parents in our community and told that I am the harmful one. We are not estranged, and our somehow surviving closeness might be what is keeping her on the other side of the syringe and the scalpel, but it feels precarious and could change with one more shake from the jar of rainbow glitter there to appease and radicalize her through the pains of navigating the difficulties of adolescence and young adulthood.
I have lost my joy and humor and ability to think about anything else.
But I have also gained some things: The strongest sense I have ever had of my principles; the pride in knowing that I am on the right "side" in all of this; the knowledge that I have helped other families get through this, and that I have helped other children avoid harm; and also new "friends" remotely tied together in this fight for sanity, reality, biology, true liberalism, and actual care for who these kids and young adults are so that they can grow up unscathed and unlimited in their health and expressions of their infinitely unique personalities.
I’ve campaigned for women’s rights & the safeguarding of children. I’m not anti-trans (whatever that means) but since I’ve been active I’m now perceived as a conservative bigot, whereas, in fact, I’ve been a leftie for all my adult life. My friends and online followers include heterosexuals, gays, liberals, Christians, atheists, women’s rights activists and conservatives. All of us are united on the issues of women’s rights and the protection of children. I don’t think it’s a matter of left versus right any more; it’s more the infiltration of all our institutions with DEI, CRT & Queer Theory. It’s everywhere; the elite universities, politics, the mass media, Hollywood, schools & even some churches. Doctors, therapists, & some states allow, not to say, encourage the ‘Pride’ movement. Some schools are hiding information from parents; any school that does this should be a red flag 🚩 warning to parents.
Whatever our views on any other issue, surely we can unite and fight the vile cult of transhumanism.
While I haven't been completely cut off from my daughter, the relationship hangs by a slim thread that could easily break if I were to spend a substantial amount of time with her; she makes sure that doesn't happen. By keeping each other at a physical and emotional distance, rarely communicating at all, we maintain a façade of normalcy.
In the wider world, I find myself unable to have normal social relationships because of the knowledge that the issue will come up in conversation—often in the context of "anti-trans" policies and laws—and I will either alienate people with my opinions or hold my tongue while feeling like an inarticulate coward.
In this election year, it appears harder even than before to move these issues out of politics and back to the realm of science and common sense where they belong. It is continually dismaying to me how many people I know personally who are still are not aware of the earth rumbling under their feet, and yet it remains nearly impossible to open a conversation with any of them. I appreciate those who have found ways to combine in coalition and push back, and I participate when there is something concrete I am able to do. I hold on to Maya Forstater’s observation, “How did the gender madness break,” they will ask. “Two ways. Gradually and then suddenly.”
I have given up close friends, more-distant but still important friends from my past, musical collaborators, mental well-being. I have given up respect in my superblue community where I used to work as an aide for Democratic politicians. I have had health issues I know are related to these losses because I am the type who takes such things very hard. I have given up the ability to even shop at places in my town I would like to shop because I fear I'd make an employee who has cut off from me "unsafe" resulting in me being ejected from the store. Someone who I still cherish in my heart, but who thinks I am in bed with the proud boys. I don't want to even face that. With friends that I am still connected with but who cannot or will not see the damage that I see, I am deeply grateful we are still connected, but we are not as close, not as free as we once were, not as much "on the same page," so it still feels like a loss. There is profound sadness.
I have also given up a "progressive" worldview I was pretty comfortable in for many years, and not just about gender. This has been destabilizing and weird. I know a lot of people can relate. I have not replaced it with another political identity (did not join the proud boys!). I think as humans we crave and probably need that sense of belonging to something. We are social animals. But it's also been freeing to let that worldview go in so many ways: I have met wonderful fellow travelers, found resonance with some of my friends and family, and in the process deepened those ties. I believe I have expanded my understanding of life. So even with the real losses, I do not regret anything.
To comment on the "grifting" bit: I decided early on not to have my contributions to this fight be connected with money--just not right for me for a bunch of reasons. But in fact, WE NEED PAID PROFESSIONALS in this fight, even as I acknowledge that there are inherent problems with people or organizations taking money for this work (or any work!). Grift can and does drift into any scene, for sure. But we need Lisa! She is a real journalist with a long and distinguished track record who deserves and needs to make a living doing the hard work to uncover this stuff. The New York Times will not pay her--and they used to pay her. When she is no longer needed to work on gender, I am sure she'd love to work on other important issues in our world. As another important example, I believe we need Genspect to be an effective organization that truly helps change the narrative and the kind of care people are getting. You don't get that with volunteers only, it takes paid staff who can do the job right. That does not mean Genspect and Lisa will not make mistakes, but I believe they are good and smart people doing their best. PITT is an exception: I think it's wonderful they continue to be a volunteer group, but they are not really an organization. More like a support group, with a straightforward and simple purpose of sharing the stories of parents and others connected to this topic.
I am a working artist with a lot of healthcare expenses in my family, so I don't have much extra money. But I have given at least a small amount at some point to everyone forced to work independently on gender (nobody giving them a fee or regular paycheck) whose work I find to be helpful and resonant with me. I try to like and comment on their posts to help their work spread. I encourage others to see how important it is that we have these professionals working on this subject.
We have been very fortunate in that our family and a friend or two have stuck by us. This helped tremendously when everything felt upside down for me. Sorry for the facile metaphor, but I was the seasick captain of a ship lost at sea with no compass and no crew - those closest to me didn’t really know how to help, but they also didn’t actively oppose me. When I gazed out from the helm of my sinking ship, everything was distorted and different than it had always been; than it had been just last week prior to my daughter announcing she was trans. I had friends who believed that they were ‘sticking up’ for my daughter and questioned my motivations. I had friends who ghosted me, and others who just didn’t think it was a big deal. What I lost was all my bearings. Literally everything around me became suspect: Did that mom help my daughter buy the binder? If I take her to the doctor for an annual check-up, will they take her away from me? How can all her middle school teachers use her male name to write the kindest notes in her yearbook? Why are some colleges paying for transition? How can it be okay to put male sexual predators in women’s prisons and shelters? Why is it wrong to ask questions about all this? Is there something wrong with me? I didn’t recognize my daughter, my friends, the schools, the medical field, the government, myself. Getting politically involved was ill-advised with a child in the grip of gender ideology, plus all my energy was spent working on my relationship with her and understanding this new landscape, so I felt very hemmed in. I wrote a few pleas to friends, one of which was the president of a school board, but of course my pleas were dead on arrival. This seasick adventure has gone on for three years, and while I would not recommend it to anyone, I will say that I am stronger for it. My relationship with my daughter as well as with my husband is stronger, my naivete about ‘the experts’ has evaporated, and my willingness to ‘see the other side’ and develop coalitions of unexpected comrades has bloomed. As for my daughter, I believe she is desisting, and I am confident that her change in thinking has not been coerced, but rather, our steadfast boundaries, supportive listening and patience has allowed her the time to mature into a more realistic view of herself and the world.
Therapists can call themselves life coaches and do their important work in many places. And there is no lack of patients.
A freelance writer who gets cancelled does not have the same options.
I do think that the more people start speaking up the more quickly truth will get out. At some point it will be oh you were part of the group that kept people who felt trans from getting accurate information???
Not sure how the medical societies are going to recover. Their members think they are following scientific evidence and best practices to help patients.
People quite appropriately want fair treatment and support for those who feel trans.
What I've lost is my daughter's respect and maybe her love - a pretty big price to pay - but I do believe real love will survive. It would have been easier in some ways to be her "savior" and have her undying affection and gratitude - and have all her friends think I was her hero. She would invite me to everything instead of banning her evil mother from her social life, and it would all be so "nice." However, it would have been the worst thing in the world - causing my daughter physical, psychological and emotional harm by going along with a delusional plan to alter her body in myriad ways with serious medical consequences, all based on some fictional notion of having the "wrong" body for her brain. I could never forgive myself for that.
As for the rest of the world, other than some of my daughter's friends and their parents and one judgmental teacher, everyone, from family to friends to co-workers, that I have expressed my opinions on this issue to has either largely agreed or, in most instances, quite wholeheartedly agreed with me on all of it, from the medical interventions to the social interventions to the invasion of women's rights, spaces and sports. I guess I've been lucky in that!
We have a family member who is non-binary who uses they them pronouns I have known her since she was a young teenager and now she’s almost 50. It’s been difficult. She’s so angry if we don’t call her by the new name, but lapse into how we used to know her. Also I’m a Democrat, a feminist and many friends are very much captured by this ideology and we have had difficult and sometimes angry conversations. Fortunately, I’m self-employed so I haven’t lost a job over it and I really empathize with others who have more at stake. Still I think it’s emotional and difficult for all of us .
My relationship with my sister was strained; fortunately, she’s now been desisted for seven years. I’m grateful her period of trans identification was as a young adult and she never came out to mom, so at least our mother was spared that. I have lost friends.
Yesterday my son's HS biology (!) teacher began class with a discussion about the NAIA decision to keep biological males out of women's sports. Hoo boy! He respectfully disagreed with a couple of students who are vehemently in the TWAW camp and said the teacher was "shooting daggers at him. " I'm so proud of him, and also on high alert for any hint that his teacher might find ways to punish him for his views. This discussion was kicking off a unit on chromosomes, so I'm expecting a complete shit show. The school has gone all in on anti-racist/gender stuff since 2020, but the kids have still been able to have respectful debates among themselves, so I'm pretty confident he can hold his own in that arena.
What have I lost? My happy daughter, many ‘friends’, my country (we move to Europe this summer to try to save our daughter), my art career (the art world is completely poisoned to the point that I can’t stand being in shows because they are all about ‘identity’. I refused to list my pronouns in a book my work is to be featured in … I’m so curious what they made of that refusal). And the big one: ANY TRUST IN DOCTORS. Gone!
I'm glad you brought this up, Lisa. I know from your pieces that you sacrificed a lot. I struggle with how much time I spend on this, and even more with how much of my attention should be spent on this, but I feel I sort of can't stop (maybe that's the problem).
I am the mother of a now-desisted ROGD daughter. There seem to be several of us here in the comments, which makes me so happy! My daughter desisted after about 3 years of id-ing as a boy. I am supremely blessed with a wonderful church community who supported me and my whole family without me ever having to disclose anything. They saw my daughter's short hair, her button-up shirts and ties, her withdrawal into herself, and just kept loving her and treating her just as they always did. This support kept me sane and kept her tethered to reality. I managed to maintain good relations with her school as well - they affirmed her but really didn't focus on her identity, instead pushing her to excel and focus on the outside world rather than navel-gazing. The only place where I feel I have lost some good-will is at my job. I've been speaking out as much as possible against various "woke" issues, but specifically gender-related stuff, and I am now clocked as somewhat of a troublemaker and probably as a religious nutcase (I am open about my faith). I won't lose my job because I am friendly and I treat everyone with respect, but I definitely notice people avoiding me or at least avoiding conversations on certain topics. I am also on a professional listserv where I have been called a bigot and a transphobe (indirectly). Oh, and a parent at my younger daughter's school stopped talking to me because she heard me say that I went to the Million march for kids rally in my Canadian city. I said very little about it except that I didn't think the protesters were all awful people, but she now barely says hello when she sees me, while previously we were quite friendly. I was quite sad about that, actually, not because we were very close, but because it amazed me to see how little it takes for someone to decide you are not worth speaking to.
I’m in a relatively good place psychologically despite being more than 6 years into this as an ROGD mom whose 19-year-old daughter elected to have her breasts surgically removed and her chest masculinized over the winter holidays. I’m one year beyond being banned from my professional listserv for sharing information about ROGD (repeatedly, despite being directed to defer to WPATH). I recently left my membership in a Unitarian Universalist congregation that I joined 28 years ago, which has afforded me the opportunity to educate concerned members about the iatrogenic policy of celebrating “trans kids.” Loss in life is inevitable; perspective and knowing who true friends are and trusting my intuition and personal authority has been gained.
I'm a fitness professional, specializing in yoga-based modalities. Yoga, for me, is not a hobby, but my lifestyle and primary source of income. I lead trainings and retreats, and have a small but diverse student following. Much of the yoga world has become infused with DEI practices, none moreso than trans inclusivity and the language policing that accompanies it. Many trainings and workshops start with names and pronouns, there are queer-specific classes, and studios frequently sport progress flags and front page "safe space" statements.
And also .. I'm the parent of a now-desisted ROGD teenager, so I've been through a lot of craziness surrounding ROGD, social contagion, single-track teen gender therapy, harmful secrets kept from parents, and the harms of focusing on gender over other crotical mental health issues. We spent about 2 very confusing years trudging painfully through the muddy waters of dogmatic gender identity ideology, and somehow managed to come out healthy and strong on the other side. We are lucky, and I don't take it lightly.
I keep my silence in public for a number of reasons. One is to protect my desisted child's privacy - sharing my reasons for questioning transgender ideology is to share her personal story. For her, it was an embarrassing pubescent phase, and she doesn't want it to follow her forever. Another is that I don't want to create a community uproar or risk professional cancellation - I'm a single parent and I do, in fact, need my income to survive
But also, I hold to the hope that I might build more bridges than I burn. That my community may benefit more from a soft but powerful influence than from loudly shouting my resistance at the brick wall of dogmatism.
So what I do instead is quietly share the teachings of yoga. That we have a body, but the body is not who we are. We have thoughts and feelings, but our thoughts and feelings are not who we are. All our identities - names, appearances, professions, hobbies, religions, beliefs - are current circumstances but not our true nature, which is far deeper and more expensive than any of our temporary embodied states.
I accept people's pronouns but don't offer mine or ask for theirs. When LGBTQ topics come up, I calmly and carefully redirect them. I continue to treat all people with respect and dignity and to respect their freedom of thought. Perhaps that will be contagious as well.
The only thing I've lost is my innocence. Im in a unique position to have very little other than time to lose. I dont say this to be trite or to show off. I say it because I wish more people like me would stand up for what is truly a horrifying situation.
I literally spend any spare time I have (like 4 hours a day) strategizing and writing and meeting with principals of schools and community boards to gather ammo which I will unleash on our little town in short order. I realized I needed to pull my shit together for this fight so I started exercising more consistently, eating intentionally, sleeping well... for this fight. This is war!
Every day (EVERY DAY) I wake up and look at my kids and say to myself "this could all be some stupid rabbit hole you've fallen into. Why not just walk away?" And then I take 30 seconds to meditate on the fact that WE ARE STERALIZING AND REMOVING BODY PARTS OFF OF ADOLESCENTS BECAUSE THEY "FEEL" BAD. Its incredibly hard to digest. Its really abstract to most. So I take a minute to remind myself that its real, that complacency is NOT an option, and that we have to expose whats happening here .
So... this is my NIMBY moment. No way am I going to let this stand. Just as I would fight if my town painted a "jihad acceptance" flag on the sidewalk and allowed Burquas in school.
All I've lost is time and innocence. Im not active on social media so I have no megaphone, but we all need to use our individual strengths. Mine is gathering info, synthesizing, waiting patiently, and pouncing at the right moment in the right way (yes, I was once a timeshare saleswoman 😂)
Frields? Family? Sure I've had some defectors from my life but those are the people who will need me the most when this all gets shut down. Im holding space for them with heaps of grace.
I have deep empathy for those who have lost so much. I have lost a lot to other issues plaguing us like phones and mental health. My kid went down hard but we came through the hurricane stronger. Losing children to a cult endorsed by the President of the United States and our state school boards though? Nope! Not having it! Bot on my watch! Sign me up! I will fight with and for all of the people who have lost so much.
Sorry to be so sappy. I just feel like if you have nothing to lose, grow a pair and join the fight! Because this kind of illiberal shit turns south VERY quickly. Stay strong everyone!
I've had arguments with friends...but they have not abandoned me at all. I continue to send them information of the latest studies showing that the usual talking points about suicide, PBs being reversible, etc was wrong.
Not an ounce of acknowledgment about the fact that what they said, and most of all the politics they support, are wrong.
Friends and some cousins. And being able to speak freely with many friends that I still have, most of my friends, really. They know what I think, I know what they think, and we choose to not speak about this much, and this subject is an important part of my life because I am researching it and preparing to write a book, and I cannot speak to my closest friends, my best friend who's been my best friend since 1980, because both her niece and nephew are trans and she cannot deal with the subject of conversation... which I understand, so I just don't talk about it... but many other friends have simply stopped engaging with me. As if I were a toxic relation.
I’ve lost friends and been blocked by folks who live across the country on fb. My red pill occurred a little over 2 years ago. I used to live in Birmingham Alabama which is the most woke spot in Alabama and I lived in the most woke little area called Southside. It’s the Portland of Alabama. Well I live in Montgomery for the last 10 years. Did I mention I am a lesbian and have friends who are trans. Well I went up for a birthday party 2 years ago and found out I had 8
Friends w trans kids and that freaked me out. So I started reading and reasearching and read Shrier, and H Joyce and Stock and so many more and saw at the same time Will Thomas. My mentor works in the works of Dive snd Swin so I got to hear about the whole thing. But I won’t be silenced. I had severe gender issues as a kid and am convinced I would have been transed. Taking away orgasm and sterilizing kids is a human rights issue.
It is a very hard situation to be in for the parents. I, myself, lost friends over it. Now that my daughter desisted, not one person will even apologize or at least admit they were wrong. Had I "gone along with the crowd", my child would be medically and chemically transitioned. Then it would have been too late. So, what do I say to these "friends"? Look up the word "friend" in the dictionary. Then look in the mirror.
To be clear, my interest in the issues regarding the treatment of transsexuals is as a gay man, now approaching 80 years old, who had a terrible time at age 12 or so understanding much less accepting his sexual attractions to other boys. I'll omit trying to describe all the turmoil and the wildly confused thinking I suffered except to say one of many conflicting theories i invented to try to explain what I was experiencing was that I was in some inexplicable sense "really" a girl. I discarded this notion fairly fast and finally got some relief from the turmoil with the conclusion that it was all just a "phase" I was going through and would eventually grow out of. (Or so I hoped! Fat chance of that, of course.)
What made me aware of how important it was to determine how best to deal with children going through something like I did all those years ago was coming across the papers concluding that the great majority of such kids would mature into perfectly normal, ordinary gay teens, 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 they weren't molested by being told they were in fact "really" the other sex and, to make matters worse, offering medical treatment to make them roughly resemble the opposite sex. Everything I've learned has hardened my conclusion that the radical trans ideology is nothing less than a threat to "trans away the gay". As the notorious staffer at Tavistok asked, "What are we going to do when we run out of gay kids?"
What alarms me is the way several developments have made the trans ideologues impervious to opposition. The genius move by the movement was to somehow make it a matter of "social justice" instead of a question of medicine or psychology. Once that was accomplished, the rest followed: the suicide myth, the claimed reversibility of the consequences of GnRHa and opposite sex hormones and the minimization of their side effects, the nonsense that "kids know who they are", worst of all, schools concealing the matters from parents. You know who else tells kids they should not tell their parents? Sexual predators.
I'm in no position to fully understand the anguish of parents in this situation. The closest problem I've seen is that of parents who have themselves recovered from alcoholism or drug addiction now seeing their children slipping into the horrors of addiction, all the while knowing they are powerless to stop it. The only suggestion I might have is for parents is to make sure their children caught in this madness know you still love them and will always be available to help them escape it.
At my child's school I'm considered cruel or it must be because I'm conservative ( I've always thought of myself as Liberal) that I don't affirm my child and her friends. But the teachers at the school who also have children that identify as trans, nod their agreement when I speak of the harms of gender ideology to women and children and pray their kids out grow this trend before they are medically harmed. But these teachers , who don't believe gender ideology is healthy for their kids, go along with the fiction at school because they are afraid of losing their jobs and friends.
I've lost friends. A few family members have also betrayed me, by affirming our mentally ill daughter's male identity. One had even offered to send her testosterone surreptitiously.
What have I lost? I lost my daughter ... I lost her future as a physically and mentally healthy young woman. I lost hearing her beautiful singing voice and her ability to breastfeed her children, my grandchildren if she wishes to have children. All of those things are true... of course she has lost them in more concrete ways than myself. I lost a relationship with someone I knew for 21 years, who is now a different person. I lost trips we would have taken, shopping we would have done. We are still in relationship but it is strained... I love her with all my being but can not respect the lying she has done and the choices she has made.
What have I gained? A true reckoning of my values, a real sense of what is important in life. Deeper relationships with some friends and family. Was it worth it ... nope. Life goes on, there is deep grief and at times some hope.
Sorry, I keep replying to others but haven’t answered the question Lisa asked. I have had little direct fallout from my views because, well, see my username. Because of my job I have tried to toe a very fine line—not agreeing with transgender ideology, and pushing back on it when I can in private conversations, but otherwise keeping my mouth shut. I am not in a position to do otherwise unless I want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. But I realize many have been willing to put everything on the line for this and I admire their courage. I honestly do not think my sacrifice would be helpful at all so it is not a consideration for me to speak out loudly and publicly at this time. However I have spoken whenever I can with those who I sense have doubts and I feel like I’m planting seeds. I did have a big disagreement with a friend who I tried to talk to about this but she forgave me for my ignorance, sigh.
As a therapist, life long liberal, and mother to an ROGD daughter, I have lost so much during these last seven years of speaking out and keeping my child from medicalizing even while the delusion of male identity rages on. I've lost the ability/willingness to engage with my fellow clinicians in my group practice after my ROGD presentation and plea for my colleagues to stop writing letters green lighting puberty blockers, hormones, and surgeries were not well received. So far no actions against my license, though.
I've lost friends and a sense of connection to my community as a "Leftugee" who cannot stop talking about how the Emperor has no clothes, leading not to just an old naked guy in a fictional village square, but to far more sinister invasions of formerly safe female spaces and the insanely sanctioned lifelong harm to children.
I've lost a sense of closeness to my daughter who has been "glittered" by the world at large and other parents in our community and told that I am the harmful one. We are not estranged, and our somehow surviving closeness might be what is keeping her on the other side of the syringe and the scalpel, but it feels precarious and could change with one more shake from the jar of rainbow glitter there to appease and radicalize her through the pains of navigating the difficulties of adolescence and young adulthood.
I have lost my joy and humor and ability to think about anything else.
But I have also gained some things: The strongest sense I have ever had of my principles; the pride in knowing that I am on the right "side" in all of this; the knowledge that I have helped other families get through this, and that I have helped other children avoid harm; and also new "friends" remotely tied together in this fight for sanity, reality, biology, true liberalism, and actual care for who these kids and young adults are so that they can grow up unscathed and unlimited in their health and expressions of their infinitely unique personalities.
I’ve campaigned for women’s rights & the safeguarding of children. I’m not anti-trans (whatever that means) but since I’ve been active I’m now perceived as a conservative bigot, whereas, in fact, I’ve been a leftie for all my adult life. My friends and online followers include heterosexuals, gays, liberals, Christians, atheists, women’s rights activists and conservatives. All of us are united on the issues of women’s rights and the protection of children. I don’t think it’s a matter of left versus right any more; it’s more the infiltration of all our institutions with DEI, CRT & Queer Theory. It’s everywhere; the elite universities, politics, the mass media, Hollywood, schools & even some churches. Doctors, therapists, & some states allow, not to say, encourage the ‘Pride’ movement. Some schools are hiding information from parents; any school that does this should be a red flag 🚩 warning to parents.
Whatever our views on any other issue, surely we can unite and fight the vile cult of transhumanism.
While I haven't been completely cut off from my daughter, the relationship hangs by a slim thread that could easily break if I were to spend a substantial amount of time with her; she makes sure that doesn't happen. By keeping each other at a physical and emotional distance, rarely communicating at all, we maintain a façade of normalcy.
In the wider world, I find myself unable to have normal social relationships because of the knowledge that the issue will come up in conversation—often in the context of "anti-trans" policies and laws—and I will either alienate people with my opinions or hold my tongue while feeling like an inarticulate coward.
In this election year, it appears harder even than before to move these issues out of politics and back to the realm of science and common sense where they belong. It is continually dismaying to me how many people I know personally who are still are not aware of the earth rumbling under their feet, and yet it remains nearly impossible to open a conversation with any of them. I appreciate those who have found ways to combine in coalition and push back, and I participate when there is something concrete I am able to do. I hold on to Maya Forstater’s observation, “How did the gender madness break,” they will ask. “Two ways. Gradually and then suddenly.”
I have given up close friends, more-distant but still important friends from my past, musical collaborators, mental well-being. I have given up respect in my superblue community where I used to work as an aide for Democratic politicians. I have had health issues I know are related to these losses because I am the type who takes such things very hard. I have given up the ability to even shop at places in my town I would like to shop because I fear I'd make an employee who has cut off from me "unsafe" resulting in me being ejected from the store. Someone who I still cherish in my heart, but who thinks I am in bed with the proud boys. I don't want to even face that. With friends that I am still connected with but who cannot or will not see the damage that I see, I am deeply grateful we are still connected, but we are not as close, not as free as we once were, not as much "on the same page," so it still feels like a loss. There is profound sadness.
I have also given up a "progressive" worldview I was pretty comfortable in for many years, and not just about gender. This has been destabilizing and weird. I know a lot of people can relate. I have not replaced it with another political identity (did not join the proud boys!). I think as humans we crave and probably need that sense of belonging to something. We are social animals. But it's also been freeing to let that worldview go in so many ways: I have met wonderful fellow travelers, found resonance with some of my friends and family, and in the process deepened those ties. I believe I have expanded my understanding of life. So even with the real losses, I do not regret anything.
To comment on the "grifting" bit: I decided early on not to have my contributions to this fight be connected with money--just not right for me for a bunch of reasons. But in fact, WE NEED PAID PROFESSIONALS in this fight, even as I acknowledge that there are inherent problems with people or organizations taking money for this work (or any work!). Grift can and does drift into any scene, for sure. But we need Lisa! She is a real journalist with a long and distinguished track record who deserves and needs to make a living doing the hard work to uncover this stuff. The New York Times will not pay her--and they used to pay her. When she is no longer needed to work on gender, I am sure she'd love to work on other important issues in our world. As another important example, I believe we need Genspect to be an effective organization that truly helps change the narrative and the kind of care people are getting. You don't get that with volunteers only, it takes paid staff who can do the job right. That does not mean Genspect and Lisa will not make mistakes, but I believe they are good and smart people doing their best. PITT is an exception: I think it's wonderful they continue to be a volunteer group, but they are not really an organization. More like a support group, with a straightforward and simple purpose of sharing the stories of parents and others connected to this topic.
I am a working artist with a lot of healthcare expenses in my family, so I don't have much extra money. But I have given at least a small amount at some point to everyone forced to work independently on gender (nobody giving them a fee or regular paycheck) whose work I find to be helpful and resonant with me. I try to like and comment on their posts to help their work spread. I encourage others to see how important it is that we have these professionals working on this subject.
We have been very fortunate in that our family and a friend or two have stuck by us. This helped tremendously when everything felt upside down for me. Sorry for the facile metaphor, but I was the seasick captain of a ship lost at sea with no compass and no crew - those closest to me didn’t really know how to help, but they also didn’t actively oppose me. When I gazed out from the helm of my sinking ship, everything was distorted and different than it had always been; than it had been just last week prior to my daughter announcing she was trans. I had friends who believed that they were ‘sticking up’ for my daughter and questioned my motivations. I had friends who ghosted me, and others who just didn’t think it was a big deal. What I lost was all my bearings. Literally everything around me became suspect: Did that mom help my daughter buy the binder? If I take her to the doctor for an annual check-up, will they take her away from me? How can all her middle school teachers use her male name to write the kindest notes in her yearbook? Why are some colleges paying for transition? How can it be okay to put male sexual predators in women’s prisons and shelters? Why is it wrong to ask questions about all this? Is there something wrong with me? I didn’t recognize my daughter, my friends, the schools, the medical field, the government, myself. Getting politically involved was ill-advised with a child in the grip of gender ideology, plus all my energy was spent working on my relationship with her and understanding this new landscape, so I felt very hemmed in. I wrote a few pleas to friends, one of which was the president of a school board, but of course my pleas were dead on arrival. This seasick adventure has gone on for three years, and while I would not recommend it to anyone, I will say that I am stronger for it. My relationship with my daughter as well as with my husband is stronger, my naivete about ‘the experts’ has evaporated, and my willingness to ‘see the other side’ and develop coalitions of unexpected comrades has bloomed. As for my daughter, I believe she is desisting, and I am confident that her change in thinking has not been coerced, but rather, our steadfast boundaries, supportive listening and patience has allowed her the time to mature into a more realistic view of herself and the world.
Therapists can call themselves life coaches and do their important work in many places. And there is no lack of patients.
A freelance writer who gets cancelled does not have the same options.
I do think that the more people start speaking up the more quickly truth will get out. At some point it will be oh you were part of the group that kept people who felt trans from getting accurate information???
Not sure how the medical societies are going to recover. Their members think they are following scientific evidence and best practices to help patients.
People quite appropriately want fair treatment and support for those who feel trans.
What I've lost is my daughter's respect and maybe her love - a pretty big price to pay - but I do believe real love will survive. It would have been easier in some ways to be her "savior" and have her undying affection and gratitude - and have all her friends think I was her hero. She would invite me to everything instead of banning her evil mother from her social life, and it would all be so "nice." However, it would have been the worst thing in the world - causing my daughter physical, psychological and emotional harm by going along with a delusional plan to alter her body in myriad ways with serious medical consequences, all based on some fictional notion of having the "wrong" body for her brain. I could never forgive myself for that.
As for the rest of the world, other than some of my daughter's friends and their parents and one judgmental teacher, everyone, from family to friends to co-workers, that I have expressed my opinions on this issue to has either largely agreed or, in most instances, quite wholeheartedly agreed with me on all of it, from the medical interventions to the social interventions to the invasion of women's rights, spaces and sports. I guess I've been lucky in that!
We have a family member who is non-binary who uses they them pronouns I have known her since she was a young teenager and now she’s almost 50. It’s been difficult. She’s so angry if we don’t call her by the new name, but lapse into how we used to know her. Also I’m a Democrat, a feminist and many friends are very much captured by this ideology and we have had difficult and sometimes angry conversations. Fortunately, I’m self-employed so I haven’t lost a job over it and I really empathize with others who have more at stake. Still I think it’s emotional and difficult for all of us .
My relationship with my sister was strained; fortunately, she’s now been desisted for seven years. I’m grateful her period of trans identification was as a young adult and she never came out to mom, so at least our mother was spared that. I have lost friends.
Yesterday my son's HS biology (!) teacher began class with a discussion about the NAIA decision to keep biological males out of women's sports. Hoo boy! He respectfully disagreed with a couple of students who are vehemently in the TWAW camp and said the teacher was "shooting daggers at him. " I'm so proud of him, and also on high alert for any hint that his teacher might find ways to punish him for his views. This discussion was kicking off a unit on chromosomes, so I'm expecting a complete shit show. The school has gone all in on anti-racist/gender stuff since 2020, but the kids have still been able to have respectful debates among themselves, so I'm pretty confident he can hold his own in that arena.
What have I lost? My happy daughter, many ‘friends’, my country (we move to Europe this summer to try to save our daughter), my art career (the art world is completely poisoned to the point that I can’t stand being in shows because they are all about ‘identity’. I refused to list my pronouns in a book my work is to be featured in … I’m so curious what they made of that refusal). And the big one: ANY TRUST IN DOCTORS. Gone!
I'm glad you brought this up, Lisa. I know from your pieces that you sacrificed a lot. I struggle with how much time I spend on this, and even more with how much of my attention should be spent on this, but I feel I sort of can't stop (maybe that's the problem).
I am the mother of a now-desisted ROGD daughter. There seem to be several of us here in the comments, which makes me so happy! My daughter desisted after about 3 years of id-ing as a boy. I am supremely blessed with a wonderful church community who supported me and my whole family without me ever having to disclose anything. They saw my daughter's short hair, her button-up shirts and ties, her withdrawal into herself, and just kept loving her and treating her just as they always did. This support kept me sane and kept her tethered to reality. I managed to maintain good relations with her school as well - they affirmed her but really didn't focus on her identity, instead pushing her to excel and focus on the outside world rather than navel-gazing. The only place where I feel I have lost some good-will is at my job. I've been speaking out as much as possible against various "woke" issues, but specifically gender-related stuff, and I am now clocked as somewhat of a troublemaker and probably as a religious nutcase (I am open about my faith). I won't lose my job because I am friendly and I treat everyone with respect, but I definitely notice people avoiding me or at least avoiding conversations on certain topics. I am also on a professional listserv where I have been called a bigot and a transphobe (indirectly). Oh, and a parent at my younger daughter's school stopped talking to me because she heard me say that I went to the Million march for kids rally in my Canadian city. I said very little about it except that I didn't think the protesters were all awful people, but she now barely says hello when she sees me, while previously we were quite friendly. I was quite sad about that, actually, not because we were very close, but because it amazed me to see how little it takes for someone to decide you are not worth speaking to.
I’m in a relatively good place psychologically despite being more than 6 years into this as an ROGD mom whose 19-year-old daughter elected to have her breasts surgically removed and her chest masculinized over the winter holidays. I’m one year beyond being banned from my professional listserv for sharing information about ROGD (repeatedly, despite being directed to defer to WPATH). I recently left my membership in a Unitarian Universalist congregation that I joined 28 years ago, which has afforded me the opportunity to educate concerned members about the iatrogenic policy of celebrating “trans kids.” Loss in life is inevitable; perspective and knowing who true friends are and trusting my intuition and personal authority has been gained.
I'm a fitness professional, specializing in yoga-based modalities. Yoga, for me, is not a hobby, but my lifestyle and primary source of income. I lead trainings and retreats, and have a small but diverse student following. Much of the yoga world has become infused with DEI practices, none moreso than trans inclusivity and the language policing that accompanies it. Many trainings and workshops start with names and pronouns, there are queer-specific classes, and studios frequently sport progress flags and front page "safe space" statements.
And also .. I'm the parent of a now-desisted ROGD teenager, so I've been through a lot of craziness surrounding ROGD, social contagion, single-track teen gender therapy, harmful secrets kept from parents, and the harms of focusing on gender over other crotical mental health issues. We spent about 2 very confusing years trudging painfully through the muddy waters of dogmatic gender identity ideology, and somehow managed to come out healthy and strong on the other side. We are lucky, and I don't take it lightly.
I keep my silence in public for a number of reasons. One is to protect my desisted child's privacy - sharing my reasons for questioning transgender ideology is to share her personal story. For her, it was an embarrassing pubescent phase, and she doesn't want it to follow her forever. Another is that I don't want to create a community uproar or risk professional cancellation - I'm a single parent and I do, in fact, need my income to survive
But also, I hold to the hope that I might build more bridges than I burn. That my community may benefit more from a soft but powerful influence than from loudly shouting my resistance at the brick wall of dogmatism.
So what I do instead is quietly share the teachings of yoga. That we have a body, but the body is not who we are. We have thoughts and feelings, but our thoughts and feelings are not who we are. All our identities - names, appearances, professions, hobbies, religions, beliefs - are current circumstances but not our true nature, which is far deeper and more expensive than any of our temporary embodied states.
I accept people's pronouns but don't offer mine or ask for theirs. When LGBTQ topics come up, I calmly and carefully redirect them. I continue to treat all people with respect and dignity and to respect their freedom of thought. Perhaps that will be contagious as well.
The only thing I've lost is my innocence. Im in a unique position to have very little other than time to lose. I dont say this to be trite or to show off. I say it because I wish more people like me would stand up for what is truly a horrifying situation.
I literally spend any spare time I have (like 4 hours a day) strategizing and writing and meeting with principals of schools and community boards to gather ammo which I will unleash on our little town in short order. I realized I needed to pull my shit together for this fight so I started exercising more consistently, eating intentionally, sleeping well... for this fight. This is war!
Every day (EVERY DAY) I wake up and look at my kids and say to myself "this could all be some stupid rabbit hole you've fallen into. Why not just walk away?" And then I take 30 seconds to meditate on the fact that WE ARE STERALIZING AND REMOVING BODY PARTS OFF OF ADOLESCENTS BECAUSE THEY "FEEL" BAD. Its incredibly hard to digest. Its really abstract to most. So I take a minute to remind myself that its real, that complacency is NOT an option, and that we have to expose whats happening here .
So... this is my NIMBY moment. No way am I going to let this stand. Just as I would fight if my town painted a "jihad acceptance" flag on the sidewalk and allowed Burquas in school.
All I've lost is time and innocence. Im not active on social media so I have no megaphone, but we all need to use our individual strengths. Mine is gathering info, synthesizing, waiting patiently, and pouncing at the right moment in the right way (yes, I was once a timeshare saleswoman 😂)
Frields? Family? Sure I've had some defectors from my life but those are the people who will need me the most when this all gets shut down. Im holding space for them with heaps of grace.
I have deep empathy for those who have lost so much. I have lost a lot to other issues plaguing us like phones and mental health. My kid went down hard but we came through the hurricane stronger. Losing children to a cult endorsed by the President of the United States and our state school boards though? Nope! Not having it! Bot on my watch! Sign me up! I will fight with and for all of the people who have lost so much.
Sorry to be so sappy. I just feel like if you have nothing to lose, grow a pair and join the fight! Because this kind of illiberal shit turns south VERY quickly. Stay strong everyone!
Objective facts, evidence and data will not convince people to abandon their confirmation biases and favored narratives, even when wrong.
https://paultaylor.substack.com/p/psychologically-illogical-part-1
paultaylor. substack. com /p/psychologically-illogical-part-1
OK here is some good news: the Cass Report has come out, and the issues get reasonable coverage in the New York Times. Lots of good comments, too. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/09/health/europe-transgender-youth-hormone-treatments.html?unlocked_article_code=1.jU0.-eK0.Hz1Yp_DYTsdA&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
I've had arguments with friends...but they have not abandoned me at all. I continue to send them information of the latest studies showing that the usual talking points about suicide, PBs being reversible, etc was wrong.
Not an ounce of acknowledgment about the fact that what they said, and most of all the politics they support, are wrong.
As for those within the resistance turning on one another, I wonder how much that is envy and pride?
Friends and some cousins. And being able to speak freely with many friends that I still have, most of my friends, really. They know what I think, I know what they think, and we choose to not speak about this much, and this subject is an important part of my life because I am researching it and preparing to write a book, and I cannot speak to my closest friends, my best friend who's been my best friend since 1980, because both her niece and nephew are trans and she cannot deal with the subject of conversation... which I understand, so I just don't talk about it... but many other friends have simply stopped engaging with me. As if I were a toxic relation.
Lisa, a data point for you---https://people.com/man-amputates-two-healthy-fingers-body-integrity-dysmorphia-8628912