Well, I will say this to the objections: The subtitle is a little tongue-in-cheek. I write about stay-at-home dads and shifting gender roles and all kinds of things in the book, but in the end, it is about how we had cultural change without structural change, which left us ladies hanging. And it argues that the archetypal image of the housewife—an archetype I trace and explode—is being that. But sometimes it's funny! Writers don't have a ton of say in the cover or the title or subtitle, and sometimes are asked to take out entire chapters that don't jive with the mainstream publishing paradigm. Still, I learned a lot working on this book, and am really excited that when I write a book about the youth gender culture war, I will be beholden only to truth, and not publishing politics.
Does the stay-at-home dad (househusbands would be the term i guess??) stuff have a separate chapter in the book or was it reduced to a few lines here and there like it happened with the trans widow stuff??
Jul 25, 2023Liked by Lisa Selin Davis, Unyielding Bicyclist
This is relevant to so many discussions I’ve had with other moms my age recently. I might be able to suggest this for my book club (and sneak in some gender identity critique under the radar perhaps?)!
I'm happy to visit book clubs! And there are two paragraphs about gender stuff—there was a whole chapter initially. That's a discussion to save for book club!
Very much looking forward to this, Lisa. Thank you! This is an important discussion. I was going to write something about "adding to the debate..." with Anne Marie Slaughter and Sheryl Sandberg...and then I just looked up the timing of that debate. Over 10 years ago!! How is that possible?! And what does that mean?!
She is an amazing writer. I agree. And she probably fears being drawn into the gender debate--though I kind of think she has concerns about medicalizing youth.
Off topic: I noticed the kerfuffle on Twitter between Caitlin and Moms For Liberty recently. I thought Caitlin asked a reasonable question. Anyway, all hell broke lose...
Can you elaborate a bit on what you mean by "all"?
All the dirty, greasy, grimy, and dangerous work that keeps the world going is done by men. When the power is knocked out by a snowstorm, it's the men being called out at 1 AM to do the dangerous repair work. When there's coal to be mined or a house fire to be put out, it's the men doing it. When there's a war to be fought it's the men dying and or being maimed. Current KIA estimates are 300K to 350 dead Ukrainian men and 70K Russian.
Totally agree that both sexes have their burdens to bear, and we've shifted from books about the girl crisis to the boy/man crisis. Many people agree with you. I'd be curious what you think of the arguments in the book, though. It's about the evolution of the American family and argues that interdependence, more than independence, is the real American backbone.
I've not read your substack yet Uncle Pedro, you are right, we all have our burden to bear, but there are also plenty of men who do not have dangerous or demanding jobs and could step up more at home but don't. I'm guessing the 'do it all' refers to within the home. I'm sad if you feel the message of feminism is women = good, men = bad. It may be the message from some feminists, but certainly not all, a lot of feminists are married with children, we don't hate men or see them as bad.
I don't think it was feminists who wanted things the way they are, although I think it was Mary Harrington who wrote recently about the 2 strands of 2nd wave feminism, those that wanted child raising seen as important, and those that prioritised getting women into work, and those focusing on work won. Capitalism and neo-liberalism have taken advantage of the push for equality to all our detriment, with women and men having to work full time and still living in poverty in the UK. I know there are MRAs who think that women have an easy life, but actually its swings and roundabouts. My husband and I share childcare and we both view going to work as a break!
If you're implying that I am an MRA, let me assure you that I am not. Indeed the big MRA subreddit banned me for life for pointing out that they are wimps.
If you have any genuine curiosity about my thoughts on feminism a good place to start is here:
It sounds like a really interesting book Lisa, I still need to read your first book. I love your writing on here. I wonder how different the history of the 'house-wife' is in the UK, from what I've heard listening to stories of de-transitioners there seems to be a lot less flexibility around gender roles in the USA than the UK. My Mum mentioned something recently about the differences, I can't remember the context, it was something to do with feminism, possibly discussing Betty Friedan and my Mum made the point that women in the UK have always worked.
That was her experience - her mother was what she calls a 'career woman' who had children late, and her mother in law always worked alongside raising her children, but of course I don't know how common that was. My Mum is in her 70s now, she doesn't think the 'housewife' image was pushed so much here.
I wonder, too, how it's different in the UK. I did include a few studies from there, including one from the 60s about "suburban neuroses among housewives." So there must have been some overlap!
I called my local San Francisco indie bookstore to preorder and they said wait until beginning of Jan. I wonder if we can start a calling campaign in liberal cities to get local bookstores to take interest. Call your calls to SF, Seattle, Portland, LA, NY, Austin ... bookstores now.
With apologies that this is unrelated, but I think it is important that as many who can act on this and wasn’t sure it would be seen in an earlier post:
Leor Sapir is livetweeting a House Judiciary Subcommittee on the Constitution and Limited Government hearing on "The Dangers and Due Process Violations of 'Gender-Affirming Care' for Children."
I recommend that anyone with a Democratic Congressperson, particularly if the Congressmember participated in the Committee hearing, call or write and register any concerns you have. Here is what I did:
After viewing some of the hearing content, I called my Congressperson, Jerry Nadler, to note concerns I had with the Democratic side approach to the issues surrounding GAC (gender affirming care). FYI, in this case I kept to the term GAC, used in the hearings, though ordinarily I would not, so as not to get sidetracked from the overall points I wanted to make.
The very pleasant young woman with whom I spoke made sure to take down my name address information, and I feel confident she wrote my comments down as well as is possible when transcribing a call. I chose not to write in this case, as I never get an answer, and I also wanted to convey tone as well as content.
Here is what I covered with her, making sure to maintain a calm, non-combative tone throughout. After noting the hearing as the reason for my call, I made these points:
1. While Rs may be using this hearing for their own purposes, it is essential for the Democrats to become properly informed about GAC.
2. Some Ds characterized the concerns raised about GAC as “extreme right wing,” so I feel it important to note that I am a progressive Democrat, and I also have serious concerns about how GAC is being delivered on the ground.
3. I noted that I have worked hard to educate myself on the facts on the ground, including coming to know affected parents.
4. I advised that, from what I am aware of with regard to Shannon Minter’s testimony, she is not accurately representing the state of the science or quality of GAC as it is currently being delivered.
5. I recommended, as a starting point to learn more about these issues, that Nadler read Time to Think, by Hannah Barnes. I explained she was a BBC investigative reporter, and I found the book to offer a fair and thorough description of what had occurred at Tavistock.
6. I recommended also that Nadler read the Cass Report, which examined the delivery of GAC at Tavistock and determined there were many problems with the way GAC was being delivered and recommended closure of Tavistock and significant changes to the care delivery as a result.
We exchanged pleasantries about the hot weather, and I thanked her and Nadler’s office for all their hard work in our behalf.
Feel free to use any or all of this if you call or write your congressperson.
Well, I will say this to the objections: The subtitle is a little tongue-in-cheek. I write about stay-at-home dads and shifting gender roles and all kinds of things in the book, but in the end, it is about how we had cultural change without structural change, which left us ladies hanging. And it argues that the archetypal image of the housewife—an archetype I trace and explode—is being that. But sometimes it's funny! Writers don't have a ton of say in the cover or the title or subtitle, and sometimes are asked to take out entire chapters that don't jive with the mainstream publishing paradigm. Still, I learned a lot working on this book, and am really excited that when I write a book about the youth gender culture war, I will be beholden only to truth, and not publishing politics.
Does the stay-at-home dad (househusbands would be the term i guess??) stuff have a separate chapter in the book or was it reduced to a few lines here and there like it happened with the trans widow stuff??
Regardless, congratulations on your book!!!
This is relevant to so many discussions I’ve had with other moms my age recently. I might be able to suggest this for my book club (and sneak in some gender identity critique under the radar perhaps?)!
I'm happy to visit book clubs! And there are two paragraphs about gender stuff—there was a whole chapter initially. That's a discussion to save for book club!
Pre-ordered. Even though I'm a little scared to read it b/c this midlife woman is already experiencing plenty of rage. ;)
There's some rage-salve in it, too. I think?
Very much looking forward to this, Lisa. Thank you! This is an important discussion. I was going to write something about "adding to the debate..." with Anne Marie Slaughter and Sheryl Sandberg...and then I just looked up the timing of that debate. Over 10 years ago!! How is that possible?! And what does that mean?!
Around and around we go...
I love the cover! Congratulations! Lisa Selin-Davis.
Mazal Tov!
Done! Congratulations!!!
And thank you!
Will definitely pre-order!
Hey, you could have a discussion with Caitlin Flanagan! (To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife).
Looking forward to your book.
I sent her several notes asking for a blurb but she didn't reply. I would LOVE to have a discussion with her, though. She's such an amazing writer.
She is an amazing writer. I agree. And she probably fears being drawn into the gender debate--though I kind of think she has concerns about medicalizing youth.
Off topic: I noticed the kerfuffle on Twitter between Caitlin and Moms For Liberty recently. I thought Caitlin asked a reasonable question. Anyway, all hell broke lose...
Thanks for all you do, Lisa!
I’m never on Twitter. WhT happened?
Twitter is not worth your time. Here is a recent comment on the Twitter incident:
https://twitter.com/CaitlinPacific/status/1681527860895383553
Also, I was only vaguely aware of Moms For Liberty.
Will check it out - good energy with it! Cheers MG
"Why women still do it all?"
Can you elaborate a bit on what you mean by "all"?
All the dirty, greasy, grimy, and dangerous work that keeps the world going is done by men. When the power is knocked out by a snowstorm, it's the men being called out at 1 AM to do the dangerous repair work. When there's coal to be mined or a house fire to be put out, it's the men doing it. When there's a war to be fought it's the men dying and or being maimed. Current KIA estimates are 300K to 350 dead Ukrainian men and 70K Russian.
Inquiring minds need to know.
Everyone in this life has a burden to bear. Neither sex has a monopoly on pain and work.
Try being a man in our matriarchal world where the dominant narrative after 50 years of modern feminism is "Women Good; Men Bad."
https://yourunclepedro.substack.com/p/how-feminism-is-like-an-iceberg
Totally agree that both sexes have their burdens to bear, and we've shifted from books about the girl crisis to the boy/man crisis. Many people agree with you. I'd be curious what you think of the arguments in the book, though. It's about the evolution of the American family and argues that interdependence, more than independence, is the real American backbone.
I've not read your substack yet Uncle Pedro, you are right, we all have our burden to bear, but there are also plenty of men who do not have dangerous or demanding jobs and could step up more at home but don't. I'm guessing the 'do it all' refers to within the home. I'm sad if you feel the message of feminism is women = good, men = bad. It may be the message from some feminists, but certainly not all, a lot of feminists are married with children, we don't hate men or see them as bad.
I don't think it was feminists who wanted things the way they are, although I think it was Mary Harrington who wrote recently about the 2 strands of 2nd wave feminism, those that wanted child raising seen as important, and those that prioritised getting women into work, and those focusing on work won. Capitalism and neo-liberalism have taken advantage of the push for equality to all our detriment, with women and men having to work full time and still living in poverty in the UK. I know there are MRAs who think that women have an easy life, but actually its swings and roundabouts. My husband and I share childcare and we both view going to work as a break!
If you're implying that I am an MRA, let me assure you that I am not. Indeed the big MRA subreddit banned me for life for pointing out that they are wimps.
If you have any genuine curiosity about my thoughts on feminism a good place to start is here:
https://yourunclepedro.substack.com/p/how-feminism-is-like-an-iceberg
What is a woman?
Can you define it first?
It sounds like a really interesting book Lisa, I still need to read your first book. I love your writing on here. I wonder how different the history of the 'house-wife' is in the UK, from what I've heard listening to stories of de-transitioners there seems to be a lot less flexibility around gender roles in the USA than the UK. My Mum mentioned something recently about the differences, I can't remember the context, it was something to do with feminism, possibly discussing Betty Friedan and my Mum made the point that women in the UK have always worked.
That was her experience - her mother was what she calls a 'career woman' who had children late, and her mother in law always worked alongside raising her children, but of course I don't know how common that was. My Mum is in her 70s now, she doesn't think the 'housewife' image was pushed so much here.
I wonder, too, how it's different in the UK. I did include a few studies from there, including one from the 60s about "suburban neuroses among housewives." So there must have been some overlap!
I called my local San Francisco indie bookstore to preorder and they said wait until beginning of Jan. I wonder if we can start a calling campaign in liberal cities to get local bookstores to take interest. Call your calls to SF, Seattle, Portland, LA, NY, Austin ... bookstores now.
Oh thank you, good to know! I'll nudge in January. Or maybe not. I know this is a different audience!
Do you know of independent bookstores that will have it available?
Preordered! Looking forward to it
Ps: reading Mary Harrington's "Feminism Against Progress" at Eliza Mondegreen's suggestion. Would be really interested in your thoughts on that one!
First off, congratulations, Lisa!
With apologies that this is unrelated, but I think it is important that as many who can act on this and wasn’t sure it would be seen in an earlier post:
Leor Sapir is livetweeting a House Judiciary Subcommittee on the Constitution and Limited Government hearing on "The Dangers and Due Process Violations of 'Gender-Affirming Care' for Children."
https://twitter.com/LeorSapir/status/1684566667685404674
A direct link to the hearing is here: https://judiciary.house.gov/committee-activity/hearings/dangers-and-due-process-violations-gender-affirming-care
I recommend that anyone with a Democratic Congressperson, particularly if the Congressmember participated in the Committee hearing, call or write and register any concerns you have. Here is what I did:
After viewing some of the hearing content, I called my Congressperson, Jerry Nadler, to note concerns I had with the Democratic side approach to the issues surrounding GAC (gender affirming care). FYI, in this case I kept to the term GAC, used in the hearings, though ordinarily I would not, so as not to get sidetracked from the overall points I wanted to make.
The very pleasant young woman with whom I spoke made sure to take down my name address information, and I feel confident she wrote my comments down as well as is possible when transcribing a call. I chose not to write in this case, as I never get an answer, and I also wanted to convey tone as well as content.
Here is what I covered with her, making sure to maintain a calm, non-combative tone throughout. After noting the hearing as the reason for my call, I made these points:
1. While Rs may be using this hearing for their own purposes, it is essential for the Democrats to become properly informed about GAC.
2. Some Ds characterized the concerns raised about GAC as “extreme right wing,” so I feel it important to note that I am a progressive Democrat, and I also have serious concerns about how GAC is being delivered on the ground.
3. I noted that I have worked hard to educate myself on the facts on the ground, including coming to know affected parents.
4. I advised that, from what I am aware of with regard to Shannon Minter’s testimony, she is not accurately representing the state of the science or quality of GAC as it is currently being delivered.
5. I recommended, as a starting point to learn more about these issues, that Nadler read Time to Think, by Hannah Barnes. I explained she was a BBC investigative reporter, and I found the book to offer a fair and thorough description of what had occurred at Tavistock.
6. I recommended also that Nadler read the Cass Report, which examined the delivery of GAC at Tavistock and determined there were many problems with the way GAC was being delivered and recommended closure of Tavistock and significant changes to the care delivery as a result.
We exchanged pleasantries about the hot weather, and I thanked her and Nadler’s office for all their hard work in our behalf.
Feel free to use any or all of this if you call or write your congressperson.