Guest Essay: An Ode to the Tomboys and Butch Lesbians

Michelle Pollino and Reid Newton on identity, resilience and linguistic chess

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I had my first crush on a girl when I was in 3rd grade. I was acutely aware that the feelings I had for her needed to remain just below the surface. Every night before I went to bed I dropped to my knees, clasped my hands together, and said a prayer to God. I asked God to make me a boy. Boys dated girls, girls didn’t date girls. Every morning when I woke up and found I was still a girl, I would spend all day dreaming of a world in which my prayer had been answered. A world in which I could tell someone about the girl I had a crush on and maybe one day even get to hold her hand. Later in life, through speaking with other women, I realized I wasn’t alone in my pleas. 

Many lesbians and straight women across the country have similar stories to tell. They dreamed of being the opposite sex at one time or another. A straight friend once expressed that she wanted to be a boy to please her father. Another said she wished the same thing so that she could better protect herself and her wife. There existed in the peripheral an idea that transforming into a boy would take away the discomfort of facing the world as a girl. It was an escape route from the discomfort of finding and standing with your own power, which eventually leads to becoming a stronger, more defiant woman. Women from broken, fatherless homes, searching for some sort of grounding in an alternative identity. That search in itself begins a journey of a lifetime, one of the pursuit of yourself and how you fit into the world. 

God never granted mine or the many other women’s wishes. Instead, generation after generation of women have had to face the world as girls who will eventually grow up to become fierce women. Despite being confronted with obstacle after obstacle, we have persevered. The world doesn’t take kindly to strong, steadfast women. Many of us are confronted head on with adversity and hatred for the simple act of being a woman who does not fit neatly into a stereotypical box. Between the aggressive boys, spiteful girls, and predatory men… character is built. For lesbians, moving through the world as women who love women is beautiful and brutal, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Over the years, women who similarly faced these obstacles forged for ourselves a character with many layers, a strength of spirit that unites us in understanding the hurdles we’ve successfully cleared. This, whether intentional or not, developed our independence, self-trust and intellectual capabilities. We welcome the challenges of everyday life like old friends, with the grit and determination of the stubborn tomboy that still exists inside us. Discomfort, it turns out, is a good thing. It is fuel for our minds and our bodies, and gives us the confidence necessary to tackle adversity head on. 

Today, many young gay people, women in particular, are finding discomfort in their bodies and are seeking refuge in a different way of seeing themselves. Instead of encouraging girls to dig deeper and trusting them to find out what this could mean for their individuality, society seems hell bent on pushing them down a much more extreme and consequence-laden path. Rather than explore all of the wonderful intricacies and difficulties womanhood has to offer, some women are simply opting out. They’re finding community among those similarly uncomfortable in their skin, in celebrating their refusal to conform. This used to look like lesbian biker gangs who suggested (and really believed) that a world without men would be preferable. Now it looks like groups of friends traveling across the country to get double mastectomies together, having testosterone injection parties, and excising anyone who questions these decisions from their life without a second thought. Some women will thrive due to these changes, feeling comfortable in their skin for the first time. Some women may be gaining comfort and confidence. Others have decided that rather than oppose the patriarchy, they’ll become a part of it. 

A recent Pew Research study found that 5% of the US population now believe they were born in the wrong body. A closer look at the numbers shows us that girls and young women account for a large portion of that percentage increase. Every day more and more women are abandoning she/her pronouns in exchange for he/him or they/them. Women are erasing themselves.

Society doesn’t benefit from these women opting out. Opting in, if you are a transman, is to not erase your past as a woman. Opting in for tomboys and gay women is to stand tall in that identity, try it on, and see how it fits. If you look like a boy, whatever that means, run with it. These moments encourage the coping mechanisms that help us navigate the patriarchy. It needs a wide variety of women who can move through life with the individuality and conviction of women unfazed by outdated societal standards. The kinds of women that develop the tenacity to face obstacles, knowing the potential growth that lies on the other side. The very women we have all looked to growing up who showed us there was more than one way to be a girl. That we could get our hands dirty, chase that girl around the playground, and not wear dresses and that was okay. The women who put a middle finger up to a stifling culture and decided to love themselves, their bodies, and their lesbian partners every step of the way, whether wearing a nice kitten heel or a pair of doc martens. The women who wrote the book on how to be different while holding onto womanhood. 

We find ourselves at a crossroads at which we can no longer state clearly what a woman is, and any such discussion instantly separates the room into two extreme camps. The debate around issues of gender has become a contentious right versus left political football rather than the nuanced discussion that such an important topic merits. We are in the middle of a sudden and steep upswing in female-to-male transitions, and people on all sides of the issue are rushing to claim the moral high ground or politically advantageous position. As this has evolved, our conversations have morphed into what appears to be a game of linguistic chess. Young women are suffering needlessly due to our lack of ability to talk about this issue with transparency and compassion. 

Having questions regarding a person’s inability to use the word woman when speaking specifically about women’s issues does not itself open up trans people to violence. This kind of inability and refusal to use the word demeans over half of the world's population. There is no reason that we cannot include transmen and non-binary people alongside women, but to cede the meaning of the word itself is a line we, the women of the world, should not cross. Many of the women most deeply affected by this are likely to grow up to become gorgeously complicated tomboys or lesbians. What happens when tomboys are no longer allowed to exist without the assumption that they have been born into the wrong body or something is inherently wrong with them? Instead of looking outwards towards a society that insists that turning ourselves into lifelong medical patients is the solution, why don’t we turn inwards and remember that little girl? The kid who fell in love with the girl across the street and bartered with God for a chance to love her. 

We often search for each other in crowds: the wild women who weathered the storm to become our authentic selves. We almost always recognize each other and exchange a knowing glance and a nod, because we know what it took to get here. There is an innate kinship and understanding of the magic that lies within us. An unspoken network of women loving women out loud. No longer hidden and unseen. A network of women allowing each other to present themselves to the world however they see fit and not have their womanhood questioned. A community of those who have released ourselves from the burden of secrecy and shame to allow for our truest selves to come out. And yet now we’re being told we’re doing it all wrong. That being lesbian is inherently exclusionary and bigoted. That being a more masculine woman means you must really be a man. That all of our hard work has been for nothing.  

This is a hill the wild women, those who run with the wolves and are unafraid, are willing to die on. Our message to the tomboys and the butch lesbians is this: Your humanity deserves gentle exploration on your own terms. Your identity is not a disease that needs treatment, or an infection that need be cut out. You are perfect just the way you are. To our trans brothers and sisters, we stand with you and will defend your rights to live as you see fit. All we ask is that you allow us to have a seat at the table without demanding we renounce the very identity that has shaped both who we are and who we love. To speak honestly with us about the risks and benefits associated with socially or medically transitioning. Only then will we be able to do right by young women navigating a world that is already poised to challenge them at every turn.

Michelle Pollino, a FAIR in the Arts Fellow at the Foundation Against Intolerance & Racism (FAIR) and Reid Newton, Legal Analyst for FAIR, are lesbians of different generations who share similar concerns about the direction of the LGBT movement, and worry about its potential to harm gender non-conforming young women and lesbians. This piece is a blended representation of both women’s life experiences that have brought them to this point. A point at which they feel compelled to stand up for those who have been left behind by this movement: the tomboys and the butch lesbians.