As a fellow member of the bohemian class, raised to view middle America with disdain, I concur. When I left my bohemian enclave to attend college at a midwestern university, I was horrified by frats and sororities: so conformist! But my arts program was likewise: we all had similar haircuts and dressed the same.
Today I see the value of groups, communities, networks. Dismissing the search for community is a mistake.
Thank you, as always, for your wisdom. You are always thought-provoking in the best way.
While I was gender non-conforming of the couldn’t-even-fake-femininity variety – which was very hard on me in my childhood – I always loved girls just the way they were. Almost all the girls I knew were either very naturally “girly” or could fake it and blend in. Thus, to be a sane human being and have friends, I had to embrace both my difference from them and their femininity. And the fact is, eventually, they embraced me back and appreciated my difference. While in my junior high years in particular, there were some girls who were mean or insensitive about my gender non-conforming ways, it all melted away with my own self-acceptance and just not holding on to any insults along the way. By high school, none were mean anymore - but probably because I changed. To repeat: self-acceptance was the key. I am still in touch with all former tormentors and have nice relationships with every one of them. Lots of women seemed to feel there are lot of “mean girls” out there. After junior high age, I rarely got to know a girl I considered mean. I was nice to all of them, and they were nice back at me. I love girls and women of all stripes. (And I am fond of men of all stripes, too, but the story there is way more complicated and for a different essay.)
Oh, wow! I so relate to a lot of what you describe. I spent so much of my hard-earned babysitting money buying brand-name clothing in high school and envying the slender and tanned . . . Such a waste! Anybody remember Janis Ian? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqPaWlOmTB0&list=RDRqPaWlOmTB0&start_radio=1
I was and am a huge Janis Ian fan!! I played her album "Between the Lines" until the grooves gave out, memorized ever word of every song, went to see her live at the Syria Mosque in Pittsburgh when I was a teenager. Such a gloriously talented artist!
Public HS was hard for me after Catholic grade school. I'd never taken French or algebra, & couldn't spike a volleyball to save my life. But I was extremely fortunate to have my own crowd of friends who weren't popular and couldn't have cared less. I never went to prom either, because I was in love with a girl, and in the 70s, it was just not done. So I was pretty much left alone to do my own thing with my choir-nerd friends, for which I am grateful. I am not grateful for the choir director singling me out to play sex games with, but that's another story. We did all have long Joni Mitchell hair parted in the middle, though! I was also lucky to come of age when we hippie types had so much hope that we could change the future. It's much harder now, but I still have hope.
I think what is often missed is how many of us were not part of the in groups, male or female. The spectrum of belonging is pretty varied , and it's not just the nonconforming. My family constantly moved as my dad would get transfered, so I was seldom in any school for more than 2 1/2 years ; I was always the new kid, three different high schools 9-12.
This is one of my favorite of your essays! My daughter fits "I also see the girls who haven’t found a place—and who think that because they haven’t, they’re not girls." and "I’m talking about the girls who can’t find their way to conformity, but wish they could." Yep.
My daughter wanted to be the hot, popular one, and she kind of was on her way in elementary school, but got scared as she started puberty and friends were either moving away or she got into fights with them, and she also started to realize the effort it would take to get there and stay there, and the fact that she was a little different, a little quirky, etc. It was easier to call herself male, be a "fem boy," with nice, feminine features, pretty eyes and a slim build - something that goes over pretty well these days, and never have to worry about being or not being the prettiest, hottest girl in the room. "Trans" was her answer because society told her it was, and she bought it hook, line and sinker!
I went to HS in Lancaster Co , couldn’t wait to FLEE that place!! Then I lived in San Francisco for a LOOOOONG time, hanging out with the most non-conformist people imaginable. Now I can see the value in both conformity and rebellion against it. Currently I’m battling people who were way less to the left than me because I “hate trans people” and I don’t hate Trump enough for their liking.
As usual, your writing activates many thoughts. As an older man without children in super-duper-LiberalLand-ish Seattle, I can share two as some of my best friends are parents. ;^)
I was having a conversation with the dad of a high school girl last weekend and he shared two startling observations. First, he said that the girls all look and dress the same as his daughter who has long, straight hair. I don't know if he was exaggerating, but clearly his point was that the culture in the school is that nobody wants to stand out in any way whatsoever. I thought that was odd.
And as if to underscore that same point — and thinking back on my 1970's high school years ("Colour My World," anyone?), the following is incredibly SAD — he then said that nobody dances at the school dances. Everyone is *terrified* to be filmed and be made fun of or caught in some sort of humiliating viral event.
If the PA kids were screaming Justin Bieber lyrics, all I can say is that at least I hope they were dancing to them and having a lot of fun making memories...
I wouldn’t classify my high school self as gender non conforming but I was deeply insecure and felt like everything I said was stupid. I was supremely awkward around boys that I liked but very awkward about any sort of intimacy. I eventually overcame that but I very much wonder how I would have reacted to all the things our poor kids are exposed to. Thanks for this writing.
I’ve lived in a conservative suburb for most of my life. I was the only girl in my high school with short hair and boyish clothes, and my school had about 600 girls.
Lisa, I also have short & stubby fingernails. My siblings all have long, elegant nail beds; I don’t know what went wrong with mine. I’ve never really liked painting my nails because it never looks as good as I’d hope.
As a fellow member of the bohemian class, raised to view middle America with disdain, I concur. When I left my bohemian enclave to attend college at a midwestern university, I was horrified by frats and sororities: so conformist! But my arts program was likewise: we all had similar haircuts and dressed the same.
Today I see the value of groups, communities, networks. Dismissing the search for community is a mistake.
Lisa, Time and again you help me see complexities with greater clarity. Thank you.
You explain not belonging much more clearly than I ever have. Wow.
Thank you, as always, for your wisdom. You are always thought-provoking in the best way.
While I was gender non-conforming of the couldn’t-even-fake-femininity variety – which was very hard on me in my childhood – I always loved girls just the way they were. Almost all the girls I knew were either very naturally “girly” or could fake it and blend in. Thus, to be a sane human being and have friends, I had to embrace both my difference from them and their femininity. And the fact is, eventually, they embraced me back and appreciated my difference. While in my junior high years in particular, there were some girls who were mean or insensitive about my gender non-conforming ways, it all melted away with my own self-acceptance and just not holding on to any insults along the way. By high school, none were mean anymore - but probably because I changed. To repeat: self-acceptance was the key. I am still in touch with all former tormentors and have nice relationships with every one of them. Lots of women seemed to feel there are lot of “mean girls” out there. After junior high age, I rarely got to know a girl I considered mean. I was nice to all of them, and they were nice back at me. I love girls and women of all stripes. (And I am fond of men of all stripes, too, but the story there is way more complicated and for a different essay.)
Oh, wow! I so relate to a lot of what you describe. I spent so much of my hard-earned babysitting money buying brand-name clothing in high school and envying the slender and tanned . . . Such a waste! Anybody remember Janis Ian? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqPaWlOmTB0&list=RDRqPaWlOmTB0&start_radio=1
I was and am a huge Janis Ian fan!! I played her album "Between the Lines" until the grooves gave out, memorized ever word of every song, went to see her live at the Syria Mosque in Pittsburgh when I was a teenager. Such a gloriously talented artist!
Alas, I'm only familiar with a couple of her songs really. I'll suppose it's high time I invested in a copy of her album. :-)
Public HS was hard for me after Catholic grade school. I'd never taken French or algebra, & couldn't spike a volleyball to save my life. But I was extremely fortunate to have my own crowd of friends who weren't popular and couldn't have cared less. I never went to prom either, because I was in love with a girl, and in the 70s, it was just not done. So I was pretty much left alone to do my own thing with my choir-nerd friends, for which I am grateful. I am not grateful for the choir director singling me out to play sex games with, but that's another story. We did all have long Joni Mitchell hair parted in the middle, though! I was also lucky to come of age when we hippie types had so much hope that we could change the future. It's much harder now, but I still have hope.
A poetic, beautiful observation and meditation on life. Have restacked, with multiple excerpts.
I think what is often missed is how many of us were not part of the in groups, male or female. The spectrum of belonging is pretty varied , and it's not just the nonconforming. My family constantly moved as my dad would get transfered, so I was seldom in any school for more than 2 1/2 years ; I was always the new kid, three different high schools 9-12.
This is one of my favorite of your essays! My daughter fits "I also see the girls who haven’t found a place—and who think that because they haven’t, they’re not girls." and "I’m talking about the girls who can’t find their way to conformity, but wish they could." Yep.
My daughter wanted to be the hot, popular one, and she kind of was on her way in elementary school, but got scared as she started puberty and friends were either moving away or she got into fights with them, and she also started to realize the effort it would take to get there and stay there, and the fact that she was a little different, a little quirky, etc. It was easier to call herself male, be a "fem boy," with nice, feminine features, pretty eyes and a slim build - something that goes over pretty well these days, and never have to worry about being or not being the prettiest, hottest girl in the room. "Trans" was her answer because society told her it was, and she bought it hook, line and sinker!
I went to HS in Lancaster Co , couldn’t wait to FLEE that place!! Then I lived in San Francisco for a LOOOOONG time, hanging out with the most non-conformist people imaginable. Now I can see the value in both conformity and rebellion against it. Currently I’m battling people who were way less to the left than me because I “hate trans people” and I don’t hate Trump enough for their liking.
As usual, your writing activates many thoughts. As an older man without children in super-duper-LiberalLand-ish Seattle, I can share two as some of my best friends are parents. ;^)
I was having a conversation with the dad of a high school girl last weekend and he shared two startling observations. First, he said that the girls all look and dress the same as his daughter who has long, straight hair. I don't know if he was exaggerating, but clearly his point was that the culture in the school is that nobody wants to stand out in any way whatsoever. I thought that was odd.
And as if to underscore that same point — and thinking back on my 1970's high school years ("Colour My World," anyone?), the following is incredibly SAD — he then said that nobody dances at the school dances. Everyone is *terrified* to be filmed and be made fun of or caught in some sort of humiliating viral event.
If the PA kids were screaming Justin Bieber lyrics, all I can say is that at least I hope they were dancing to them and having a lot of fun making memories...
I wouldn’t classify my high school self as gender non conforming but I was deeply insecure and felt like everything I said was stupid. I was supremely awkward around boys that I liked but very awkward about any sort of intimacy. I eventually overcame that but I very much wonder how I would have reacted to all the things our poor kids are exposed to. Thanks for this writing.
I’ve lived in a conservative suburb for most of my life. I was the only girl in my high school with short hair and boyish clothes, and my school had about 600 girls.
Lisa, I also have short & stubby fingernails. My siblings all have long, elegant nail beds; I don’t know what went wrong with mine. I’ve never really liked painting my nails because it never looks as good as I’d hope.