I am an over-communicator in every way—too much talking, too much texting, too much emoting. It used to be my super power, being willing to say the thing many people think but don’t articulate. Now, in an era when people will attack the messenger when they can’t abide the message (and when there’s a permanent digital record of all my past mistakes), it is a liability. Though I realize now people only wage personal attacks when the message itself is difficult to deny.
My birthday ended with a public attack and something very close to doxxing, and my reaction was, “I have to stop now.” But I can’t—not until this issue is reported in a complex and multidimensional way in the media, with many different sides of the story about gender dysphoric youth being reported. And I can’t stop yet because we are in an era when medicating gender nonconformity is preferable to accepting it, even when studies of more tolerant cultures reveal that this doesn’t have to be the case. We can change our culture to make room for these kids—after all, we’ve made tremendous room for the belief of gender identity. Why not do the same for gender nonconformity?
After many, many incidents, I decided to write the letter below to our doctor. When I first went there, I asked him about medicating kids with gender dysphoria and he expressed dismay about it. Years later, he has sent many feminine boys and masculine girls to receive cross-sex hormones.
It could be that these medicated kids are far happier than they would have been otherwise—I don’t know, and, as study after study reports, “no reliable data derived from randomized controlled trials, or longitudinal cohort studies give confident estimates of the risks and benefits of various gender-affirming interventions… Long-term patient outcomes are uncertain, partly due to high losses to follow up.”
Have you ever read an article in the left or center media about medicating trans youth that has mentioned that? Doubt it. But almost every study has to admit it, even if it’s buried deep in the paper.
We truly have no idea how efficacious and safe medical interventions for youth with gender dysphoria are, especially in the long run. But even if it’s working out for the great bulk of them—detransitioners, for whom it worked out horribly, aside—that doesn’t mean we don’t need to seriously examine how we treat boys and girls, whether you think those words pertain to a biological or social category of person. Kids who resist gender norms tend to do better academically, socially and financially. Shouldn’t we be working harder to get more kids to resist them?
For once in my life, I ran this letter by someone before I sent it. He said it was a good letter, but weren’t the doctors and nurses so busy with Covid and so overworked, and did I need to send it? How would our relationship change if the staff read it? Would it make a difference in their behavior?
I don’t know. So I put it here for now, and hope that someday they see that they don’t have to reinforce gender stereotypes in order to be inclusive.
Dear XXXXXXX:
Our family has had a generally lovely experience there but I wanted to address a recurring incident. I do not know if nurses look at the chart before they enter a room, but they always—and I mean always—assume my daughter is a boy. This is obvious not only because they call her “buddy,” and never call my other, feminine daughter that, but because they apologize for things like using Strawberry Shortcake band-aids on her arm after a shot.
Perhaps they assume that because she is traditionally masculine that she identifies as a boy—I don’t know. The cultural and political debates around gender aside, I hope you’ll agree that it’s important for medical personnel to know a patient’s sex, and we want to make sure that the people treating her know. We also want to make sure that they’re not reinforcing harmful stereotypes, treating kids differently based on what they assume their sex or gender identity to be.
All children can be called “buddy.” Any child can have a Strawberry Shortcake band-aid. By assuming that it’s a problem for a male, or male-identified, child to have anything pink or with a female character on it, or that only boys can be treated as peers, we contribute to the message that boys should reject anything associated with girls and boys are higher on the hierarchy.
Let me be clear: the misgendering is in no way a problem. We’re not complaining about that. We just want to make sure you know our children’s biological sex and don’t treat them differently because of it.
Many thanks,
Lisa
I'd send it, minus the last paragraph. (It's a fine paragraph, but you don't need it, IMO, to make a strong point. And the point is strong enough that it SHOULD be made)
It's being sexist to assume a girl or boy has certain color or style preferences just because of their sex. They shouldn't be sending this sexist message to any kid. I don't want my son being told he's abnormal if he likes pink?! I mean, what is this besides reinforcing current cultural stereotypes and how is this in any way sending a message of healthy diversity and acceptance? It's not.
And yes, they'd better know your daughter's biology. Her cells don't care what her haircut and choice of hobbies signals to other people's minds in our particular society in 2022.
(Her stress levels might respond to it, that's where she's lucky to have a mom like you!)
Thank you for yet another insightful essay!