Social Transition: Should We Change Names and Pronouns?

An excerpt from "When Kids Say They're Trans"

Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano and Stella O’Malley are among the most important voices in the movement to properly treat kids with gender dysphoria—and they were willing to speak out long before there was any infrastructure to help people do so. Now they have a new book out, When Kids Say They’re Trans, to help parents navigate the world that unfolds when a child declares a new gender identity or is diagnosed—or self-diagnoses—with gender dysphoria. (Full disclosure, there’s a short piece from me in there, too!)

In addition, they’re offering workshops for parents. Another full disclosure: I’ve been to two of their workshops, despite not being a parent of a trans or gender dysphoric kid [so far]. As I explained on this episode of Benjamin Boyce’s Calmversations podcast that I recorded with Sasha and two ROGD moms, I’ve found in-person communing with others whose lives have been affected by—for lack of a better term—gender identity ideology to be invaluable. Being with parents, bearing witness to their stories, has fueled me to try harder to get the truth out, and parents have gathered much-needed strength and information in these workshops and retreats.

I’ve interviewed a lot of kids and parents about social transition—and I’m sorry for not writing it all up yet, but those interviews were amazing, and I’m excited to share soon. It’s an under-researched and misunderstood psychological intervention. Below is an excerpt from the book about it that I’m delighted to share with you all.

—LD

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Some parents are deeply connected with their child’s name—one loving father described how his child’s name was the first word he said to his daughter when she was born and placed in his arms. It was a treasured memory, as he called his child after his mother, whom he lost when he was a little boy.

The name a trans-identified person chooses often has a purpose—to signify that they are leaving behind their old self and embracing a new identity. It can suggest a rejection of their deepest self. There are manifold unintended consequences and risks with a name change and it is not necessarily the benign act that it may seem to be. Having worked in this arena for some time, we have come to believe that legal changes feel premature when an individual’s identity and their brain continues to develop until they are in their early twenties. However, the use of an informal nickname can be a compromise worth considering. We’re aware that compromise does not come easily to people who believe that names and pronouns represent everything, and this can become a source of major conflict: none of this is easy.

It’s valuable to separate a name change from a pronoun change: these are very different events. Many parents believe that using a different pronoun, especially a cross-sex pronoun, feels like colluding in a false reality, whereas they can accept that their child hates their birth name and wants to change it. Perhaps you might give permission for your child to informally change their name—not permanently on the school register, but as a nickname to be used in class—but maintain the same pronouns as you feel it inappropriate to deny biological reality. If teachers address a boy as ‘she/her’, that sends a powerful message that all the adults in the building believe he’s now a girl. You could remind your child that your job as a parent is to consider his long-term needs, not just his short-term wishes. Nonbinary pronouns may be a workable compromise for some; others find them even more egregious.

Some families feel that changing names and pronouns is a minor concession. Doing so feels like a low-stakes intervention that can signal that parents are listening and taking the young person’s distress seriously. We have seen it happen where families changed names and pronouns and this seemed to strengthen the parent–child bond, avoided an unnecessary power struggle, and created some space for the young person to explore and experiment. In some of these cases, the young person eventually moved through their stage of trans identification. The parental strategy of adopting the new name and pronouns apparently succeeded in helping to minimise conflict and allowed the child to work through their gender exploration without medicalisation.

However, we have also known cases where parents made the same decision for the same reasons. Even though these parents were firmly against medicalisation and were hoping to avoid it at all costs, they wanted to be sensitive to their child’s growing need for autonomy and hoped to express respect for their process of exploration. They acceded to the request to call their child by a new name and to use new pronouns in the hope that such a move would build more trust, reduce distress and allow the child to move through a trans identification without hormones or surgery. Yet, years later, these parents have come back to us and told us that their child’s gender issues didn’t resolve and that their young adult is now on hormones or is pursuing surgery.

We have seen both scenarios happen many times, and it would be difficult for us to say what factors lead to one outcome and what to another. Agreeing to the change has certainly worked for some families, but we’ve also seen considerable fallout and regret about having done so. Arguably, changing names and pronouns signals supportiveness and a willingness to listen. Equally arguably, changing names and pronouns may help to cement a young person’s commitment to their new identity. Given that the stakes involve the potential for medicalisation, it may be better to err on the side of caution and not agree to change name and pronouns, but there are many individual variables and we do not have straightforward answers.

As with all decisions, the burden is on your shoulders. It is up to you to figure out how you wish to deal with this issue. We don’t believe that it’s appropriate for therapists or anyone else to provide diktats. We have noticed how parental authority has been undermined over the last couple of decades. We can’t tell you what to do, but we hope we have provided thought-provoking information so you can harness your thoughts and come to the conclusion that makes the most sense for your family.

You may find it helpful—although this can be incendiary—to initiate discussion about compelled speech: who owns the pronouns? Is it the speaker, or is it the person they are referring to? Can we force other people to speak about us in the way we want? Considering that not everyone feels they have a gender identity, should those people be made to use the language of a belief system they don’t subscribe to? If a person can dictate the pronouns, can they also dictate the adjectives and the nouns? Should it be ‘they are’ or ‘they is’? Is there room for a polite request to use pronouns to be equally politely refused?

The following suggested script shows how a conversation could unfold:

Young person: Mum, I’ve been thinking long and hard about this and I’ve decided I need to change my name and pronouns. This means everything to me. It’s hard to explain because you’re not non-binary, but when someone calls me by my dead name it hurts me very deeply. I just can’t handle it anymore.

Parent: I can see you’re dreadfully upset. Why don’t we sit down and have a good chat?

Young person: You don’t understand. I don’t need to chat. I just need you to go into the school and explain to the staff that they can’t dead-name me anymore.

Parent: I hear you. However, it’s not my role to take this on. My role as a parent is to slow things down when you want to speed things up. I know it’s really distressing for you, but you matter to me more than anything. I know I sometimes do things that might be wrong, but trying my best is all I can do. I’m simply too terrified to allow you to officially change your name. It’s going too fast, and I can’t allow this pace of change. I’m happy to support an informal change, though.

Young person: What good is that? I need it to be a proper name change, otherwise nobody will take me seriously.

Parent: Your name is one of the most precious words in my life. I think we’ll need some further reflection on this so we can both come to some compromise. You can change your name among your friends if you wish, but adults need to offer guidance and so we need to hasten slowly.

Young person: You don’t understand. This means everything to me. I can’t live with the name Isabelle anymore. I hate it.

Parent: I’m so sorry you’re upset. I really am.

Sometimes it’s important, especially when the conversation is going around in circles, that you take charge of the situation and leave the room. Conversations like this can descend into an emotional and messy brawl, with the child trying to play off one parent against the other or making wild threats about leaving home and never coming back unless you do what he wants, and you need to be sensitive to this. You may wish to stay there until you have cheered up your child, but this is not necessarily possible, nor is it always the right thing to do. Every adolescent needs to overcome certain challenges so that they one day become a mature and reflective adult. These challenges can be difficult, such as learning to accept our limitations and develop our coping skills. Just as when your little boy was small and learning to walk, you can’t do it for him—you need to let him stumble and fall until one day he can walk without falling over. Back then, you bit your lip as he laboriously overcame other challenges in childhood such as learning to ride a bike or learning to read and write. Today, you might need to bite your lip and leave the conversation, knowing that your child is upset but needs to confront reality and that you can’t do it for them.