In the Mail: Doing Gender Wrong
The questions that refuse to be answered
I received this note a few months ago, and thought of it again as I saw AGPgate continuing to fester. The sides seem to be portrayed as, per James Lindsay, “stupid feminist hags” versus those who accept the reality of male sexuality and gender nonconformity.
Well, as a stupid feminist hag who accepts the reality of male sexuality and gender nonconformity, I object to this division. What are the sides, and what are they invested in? What are the arguments with merit, as opposed to the ad hominem attacks?
Just as its gaining traction, much of the multi-partisan resistance to the institutionalization of gender identity beliefs seems to be imploding. Part of that is because viewpoint diversity is a real bitch to accommodate. And part of that is because it’s easy to decide what someone else believes and reject them for it. I find it almost-funny how I am too trans-friendly for some and too transphobic for others.
The truth is, my views have evolved as I’ve gotten more information to confirm my suspicions. But more important to me than sharing my views is to share that information. That is my ultimate goal: to diversify the media narrative and to tell the stories that have been suppressed. I do indeed want liberals to be properly informed.
This letter is well-written and has interesting points that I still think we must address. Liberals, what say you? Gender nonconformists, how do you feel about AGP and its cousins? Let’s get some answers on the board! Comments open to all.
Dear Lisa,
As a mother of a now desisted, but formerly trans identifying ROGD teen, I have first learned about you on the Gender A Wider Lens podcast where you talked about your book, Tomboy.
I wasn't particularly impressed by your then attitude that some kids were "really trans" (Helen Joyce explains eloquently this is not the case, and this is partially supported by a large percentage of mothers who have "childhood onset" gender dysphoric children having borderline personality disorder), but I have been reading you on and off and I appreciate what you are trying to do--convincing the brainwashed liberals to open their eyes on the trans ideology, without alienating them altogether. I understand your voice is very important, and I wish you not only the best, but full and complete success.
However, as a former liberal who has been transformed by my teen's involvement in the trans cult, I grew allergic to anyone who is trying to straddle both sides, in feeble attempts not to offend ("safe spaces" galore.)
I asked my friend for a gift subscription to read your essay on the Maia Kobabe book. It was a very interesting essay and you made some great points.
But it is your subtle and implicit (and maybe not so) support for paraphilias as long as they are "not offensive", and trying so desperately to appeal to the "sexually liberated" feminists (or likely in an attempt not be rejected by your main audience as, God forbid, too conservative) is exactly why I will never support you, especially as there are dozens of quality substacks competing for my attention and money.
These attitudes are partly responsible for the slippery slope of "love is love as long as it is consensual" that ultimately lead us to children being mutilated as part of a pedophilic queer ideology. Jordan Peterson expressed this sentiment very succinctly, indicating clearly that "do whatever you want as long as you an adult" can lead to unimaginable depravity and should not be blindly supported, even for adults. Yet you support this as an attitude appropriate for teens--as long as the paraphilias are "harmless." There is no such a thing as a harmless paraphilia, but it is much more useful for you not to ever say this on your substack.
I understand that you are doing your best, and you have plenty of sycophantic and not fans who love you, because they desperately hope that you can remain a "liberal" and vote "liberal" (while the terms have definitely changed meaning in the recent years) and yet somehow preach anti-woke attitudes against childhood transitioning. I no longer believe this is compatible or useful.
I really get the letter writer’s viewpoint. Yet I am more and more alarmed by the fact that so many gender critical voices I have followed for years have now become believers that the Covid vaccine is what causes harm, not Covid, and similar conspiracy theories that have now become so mainstream even “liberals” barely oppose them. I’m truly politically homeless. It seems like you can’t have one opinion without signing on to a bunch of other opinions anymore. I’m afraid to say one thing to my conservative friends and another thing to my liberal friends. And people really do reject each other over “saying the wrong thing”. And they gossip about so and so having such and such an opinion CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, etc.
So I’m in my 40’s and have concluded I need to hang out more with my 70-something parents and their friends, who actually seem to accept their friends despite not all of them thinking the same about everything, and they also discuss stuff rather than high fiving each other for being on the right side of history.
My 18 year old “woke” daughter actually expressed horror that I was supportive of Israel. I have friends who would be equally horrified if I expressed sadness over the civilian deaths in Gaza. It’s a crazy time.
I support Lisa not because I agree with every single thing she says but because I agree with her, erm, “broadly” on the gender critical issue. I do also agree with many of the post-liberal letter writer’s points about a slippery slope of “tolerance” that makes it very difficult to clearly condemn harmful sexual fetishes and paraphilias. I am sooooo not “sex positive” anymore. But I respect Lisa’s, and anyone else’s, right to have a different opinion. And you know what? I want to HEAR THE ARGUMENT. I don’t want to hear “THAT’S JUST WRONG, PERIOD”. I want to know why, even if it seems blatantly obvious to the opinion holder.
Lisa is willing to make the arguments for her beliefs and also to change them as she gets new evidence. THIS is why I support her and why I support both broadly liberal and broadly conservative people doing the same. They are increasingly rare.
The letter writer is correct in that no paraphilias are "harmless," or good.
We can't eliminate harm, or evil, from humanity. There is no social mechanism to effectively treat all paraphilias, or mental illnesses, or even physical illnesses. Humans gonna human, and a lot of human-ing is bad.
How are we going to live with our imperfect, or worse, brothers and sisters? We draw a line somewhere. Reality dictates we must be practical. How much of the population do we want to criminalize? To institutionalize or jail? Or merely disenfranchise? What overall good comes from more or less?
Some tolerate too much, others not enough.
I have drawn my own lines in the Gender Wars: Sex is real.
But also: People are weird.
These are the tenets of the TERF-Tranny Alliance, and I'm sticking to 'em. https://www.heterodorx.com/terftrannyalliance/