Executive Order: Protecting Americans from Emotional Whiplash Due to the Onslaught of Executive Orders
Liberals: soothe thyselves. AKA: Calgon, take me away!
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the Heretical Society of Dissident Liberals, including section 1234 of title 5, Politically Homeless Land Code, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1. Purpose. Americans just spent four years under the direction of a cognitively impaired president, who recused himself from reelection too late for Democrats to select their own replacement. A replacement was imposed on us, embraced by woke celebrities out of touch with the furor and disdain of Average Americans for wokeness—and celebrities.
Then: Trump won. Then: Liberals briefly became self-reflective. What’d we do wrong, seven of them asked. Could it be…the gender stuff?
Then came the first Executive Order, which sent a shockwave through those same liberals. How dare the Republicans insist that biological sex is real, immutable, and binary? After all, the autogynephiles at Twitter Safety made sure to boot anyone who uttered such heresy back in the pre-Elon days. Liberals discarded any pretense of taking their own inventories and stood back at attention, ready to fight all the nasty EOs that came down the pike. Not allowing men to play in women’s sports? Take to the streets! Not allowing the breasts of depressed, autistic 14-year-old girls to be cut off? Let’s stage a coup!
Section 2: Plan B While the media reports like it’s 2016, assuming every single thing Trump does is equally terrible, and thousands of Americans don signs and march around chanting, I, as President, order the rest of us to find joy and strengthen ourselves to figure out what is true, what is good, what is worth fighting for and over, and how to do it. Admittedly, I’m coming up blank on how to actually accomplish any of that.
Unlike other Executive Orders, this one has the comments open for others to share what brings them joy and makes life worth living. Here’s a start:
In-person gatherings.
Cara-cara oranges: One of the great fruits of the universe.
Sunshine: Get some on your face. (Okay, but, yeah, wear sunscreen.)
Walks: Go outside, move one foot in front of the other.
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: TV good.
Chuck Prophet, preferably live.
Needle-felting: Stab wool, make shapes, feel better.
Caramelized onions.
Movies—in the actual movie theater.
Word games: mandatory on Friday nights.
Reclining chairs.
Very dark chocolate. (Elon Musk will send everyone a bar.)
What else?
A laundry list of things for Democrats to keep and to dump if they ever want to win again nationwide.
Keep a woman’s right to choose for the first trimester. Dump abortion until birth unless the mother’s health is at risk.
Keep a concern for climate change and grow nuclear power. Dump intermittent, unreliable renewable energy.
Keep and develop new effective vaccines. Dump vaccine mandates.
Keep equality of opportunity for all. Dump equity of results based on discriminating against men, whites and Asians (aka D.E.I.). Recognize that D.E.I. Is unconstitutional.
Keep the protection of gay and lesbian rights. Dump men in women’s sports, private spaces and prisons. Oh, and mutilating children who might grow up to be gay.
Keep an opportunity for selective high value immigration. Dump sanctuary cities and open borders.
Keep helping the homeless find jobs and a place to live. Dump camping in cities and allowing open drug use.
Keep a concern for due process in criminal justice. Dump letting shoplifters and other petty thieves off the hook.
Do all of the above and they might find their way back to power.
Very dark chocolate? 😧 I only like milk chocolate, a preference frowned upon by Dissident Liberals, regular liberals, conservatives...and pretty much everyone over the age of ten. Now *that's* what I call politically homeless! 😄